What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Stronger

About a month ago, I was asked by my neighbor to be a guest speaker in one of her classes that she teaches at a downtown Jr. High. She wanted me to talk about my book and how I decided to become an author.  I accepted the invitation but made sure she new I wasn't a "real" author. Let's face it, I'm no Stephanie Meyers and I wanted to make sure she realized that I wasn't anything special. She still really wanted me to come so we set a date.

I was under the impression that there was going to be another speaker that day so I didn't have a ton prepared. The night before I ran into my neighbor at Home Depot where she told me that I was the only speaker planned for that day. I had the whole time! Yikes!

As we discussed in my last post, I am a talker. But I still didn't know how I was going to take up a whole 50 minutes just talking about my tiny little book. My neighbor had explained that most of the kids in her class are kids who are what you might call "at risk".  Most come from broken homes where parents are lucky if they have a high school diploma. She really wants to motivate them to stay in school and have the goal now to go to college.

Now at this point I am going to stop this part of my story and move on to the back story...this is when I might get a little "too real".

I come from a pretty dysfunctional background. It looks a little something like this...

- born to teenage mom
- bio-dad (whom I like to refer to as Sperm Donor) takes off when I'm a baby never to return, leaving my mom pregnant with a toddler and a baby.
- raised by a mean, abusive step dad
- watched that marriage disintegrate
- got married too young to a guy that had serious issues
- divorced by age 21

Who wouldn't be screwed up coming from that! (And that was the short version) Thankfully my mom was strong and chose to rise above the tragedies that plagued her own life. At the age of eighteen she found the gospel of Jesus Christ and joined the LDS Church. She did her best to raise her children according to his teachings.

I was blessed that those teachings stuck with me and helped me rise above the trials that came into my life. I was blessed to find Aric and we have created a wonderful life together. But our "happily ever after" has had some rough patches. Infertility, adoption, my mother in law's cancer...those have given us some pretty dark times. Our faith and love has gotten us through those times but boy do I have some scars.

So every now and then (like maybe once a year) I get frustrated about where I came from. I see people in my life who seem to have had it so easy. They grow up in a family that is intact. They grow up, go to college, meet a great person and get married. They decide to start a family and ta da! They have how ever many babies they want, when they want them. Not that they haven't had their struggles but when I compare them to what I have gone through it seems like I was dealt a way more crappy hand.

I found myself really feeling bad and mad. I was distancing myself from God because I was mad at him for giving me such a hard life. I just couldn't understand why he would make my path so thorny and give someone else such an easy one. I was jealous of my friends. I just couldn't shake the self pity feelings. I finally started to pray about it. I asked for some specific things and I just wasn't feeling heard. About eight weeks went by and I was getting really worried that I wasn't going to be able to shake it. That is when my neighbor had asked me to speak in her class.

Back to the other part of this story...

So as I sat there thinking about what to share with this classroom full of at risk teenagers my mind started racing. I totally felt the spirit guide my thoughts. My great grandma came to my mind, how she left everything in Honduras to come to the United States to provide a better life for her only son and his family. She sacrificed so much. Her life was hard. My grandparents lives were hard. My mom's life was hard. But every generation got a little better. Everything they did was to ensure that my life (and the lives of their other children) was better than theirs. And though my life was challenging it has brought me to this moment. This moment where I am married to a great guy. I am a mom with three beautiful children, who are growing up in a loving home. They have parents who are committed to each other and God. My children are growing up with the life I always wanted. I made the choice to rise above my circumstances. And ultimately that is why I wrote my book.

My book was not written for the world, it was written for my cousin. I wrote it for her, in hopes that she would learn from my mistakes and keep her on a life path that would allow her to look back with little or no regrets. That she too, would learn how to rise above what ever difficult times she would be faced with.

That is why I wrote the book. That is why I became an author.

I nailed my presentation. I showed them pictures of my family. I showed them pictures of me at their age, through high school, college days and now. I talked to them about my book but mostly I told them about me. They had lots of questions and I thoroughly enjoyed my time with them. The time flew by.

It didn't hit me until I was driving home, when a voice came into my mind and hit my heart like a ton of bricks...

"This is why I gave you the struggles. This is why it was so hard. So you can go and do what you just did. This is who I need you to be, and you are who you are because of what you've overcome."

The dark, ugly feelings that I had been feeling for all those weeks literally poured out of me through the tears. It was such a clear revelation. It was what I had been praying for and waiting for. I knew my answer had come. What I didn't realize was how much I just wanted to know that Heavenly Father was aware of me. I'm so dang needy that even though He has shown me his love over and over, sometimes I just need it spelled out for me and in this moment he totally delivered.

The other interesting thing that happened was how much compassion I instantly felt for everyone around me. It's like I was so blinded by my feelings of self pity that I could not see the needs of those around me. I felt so guilty for being so self absorbed. Of course everyone has faced their own battles. No one's life is free from trials and pain. There are people with way harder lives and challenges. I just let Satan get into my heart and mess with my head. There are many ways to destroy a person's soul, attacking their self worth is the first step.

I am so grateful for this experience. I learned so much from it, which is why I wanted it documented. It may be a little too personal. In fact I've waited a few weeks to write about it. I thought about writing it in my real journal but I feel compelled to put it out here, maybe someone else needs to hear this too.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

First of all I am back. My plate is so full, I really shouldn't be blogging right now but I have missed you, and I'm hoping you have missed me too.
So I went to Utah last week. I go every year to go to the LDS General Women's Broadcast with my friend Kerry. This is the best picture of us that I got this year...

Aric is very supportive of this outing of mine. He says that I come home a much better wife and mom. I wasn't going to go this year because our budget is tight, thanks to the adoption that never ends...but Aric insisted that I go. I decided that if I went I would try to meet with buyers at BYU and UVU to see if they would be interested in my book. That was the only way I could go and not feel guilty about it.
In the weeks leading up to my trip I had sent out a few books and made some phone calls. By the time I left for my trip I only had one meeting set up with the buyer at UVU. I was feeling a little insecure and I was thinking about canceling that appointment.
On Wednesday I hung out with my dear friend Jen. I spent the night with her and her cute family. She fed me and entertained me. It was a great time. It kept my mind off of the meeting that was hanging over my head.
On Thursday I was starting to feel really anxious and really wanting to cancel my 11am meeting with UVU. At around 4pm I got a call from the buyer at BYU. She apologized for not getting in touch with me sooner and we made an appointment for 9:30am.  I was so excited and sick all at the same time.
That night I stayed in Sandy with my fabulous friends Alisynn and Jason. They filled my nervous belly with Cafe Rio...YUM! We had a great time catching up and stayed up way too late. The next morning I headed down to my old stomping grounds.

Aric left me sweet, supportive messages and I prayed all the way down there. By the time I pulled into the visitor parking at BYU, the peace had finally set in. I decided that no matter what happened, I had a great life, with an amazing support system. This book was written for Leah and it didn't matter who liked it. I just kept thinking of my own kids and how someday I could share this experience with them. I could tell them how scared I was and that it took all the courage I had to walk through the Wilkenson Center and find my way to the bookstore.
I met the buyer, Maureen, and she was so AMAZING! She was so easy to talk to. I couldn't believe how fast an hour and a half went by. It felt like I was talking to an old friend. I was completely calm and I totally enjoyed myself. By the end of our meeting, she had showed me how I can print it right there at BYU for almost HALF the cost! She was so encouraging and best of all she wants my book.....BYU is g0ing to not only carry my book but help me print it!!!!!!
I walked out with tears stinging my eyes. Every girl I passed I wanted to hug and give a copy of my book. I wanted to call Aric but my darn phone was dead. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude for his love and support. I offered a prayer of gratitude to Heavenly Father who gave me the desire to write, the words to say, and the courage to see it through.
After that meeting I headed over to UVU.

(It was called UVSC when I transferred there from BYU) It had been many years since I'd walk those concrete paths. My meeting there was quick and easy. They want my book too. As soon as that meeting was over I went to Walmart and bought a car charger for my car. I called Aric. He was in the check out line at Fred Meyer with Camden. It wasn't how I pictured that moment, but it was still sweet nonetheless.

To say that I am excited is a complete understatement. I am still in shock. I have to put my book into a PDF file for BYU, not as easy as I thought. But unfortunately I came home to more adoption drama so that has taken up lots of my time and energy. My goal is to have it sent over to BYU and ready to print by this time next week.
This is the point where you think this post might end...but nope. I still have two and a half days to tell you about!
The rest of the weekend was fun, and anything but restful. After my meetings I headed up to Salt Lake to pick up my mom and meet up with Kerry and Lara. We went to the LDS humanitarian center for a tour.

It is really amazing what is done there. Touring that facility made me so grateful to be a part of something that huge and far reaching.
After dinner, my mom and I headed over to IKEA. I brought the biggest suitcase we own and only packed it 1/3 full. I knew that I was going to IKEA, so I made sure I had plenty of room for the treasures I would find.
That night we stayed with Kerry's parents. Saturday my mom and I went for a walk/hike, then off to do some more shopping.

We actually spent more time driving around than shopping but that was probably best.
We met up with Leah and Monica for the broadcast.

We had the best seats ever! We sat on the main floor, in the middle section and only about 20 rows up. It was so neat. The meeting was wonderful, from the music to the speakers.

It really hit me how blessed I was to being sitting there, in the same room as a prophet of God.

The spirit once again bore witness to me that Thomas S Monson is truly a prophet, chosen by God to lead us. I left that meeting a better person. I left with a stronger testimony of God's love for me and even more committed to living the gospel of Jesus Christ.
After the meeting we had dinner at Tocano's, the best food ever!

 

It was another late night, but so much fun.
Sunday morning it is our tradition to go to Music and the Spoken Word. As always it was incredible.

Then it was off to the airport. The flight was fast and before I knew it I was home.
I was greeted by my precious people and this amazing surprise...

We have been working on our bonus room and making it more functional for my tutoring student and my girls. We had looked at desks and couldn't find anything that I liked. So I designed this one and Aric built it while I was gone. All I had to do was caulk it, fill in the nail holes,  and paint it.
I LOVE IT! I would take this desk over diamonds any day!

Then later that day, Jess stopped by with yummy trifle to celebrate my book.

So there you have it. I think this is the longest post EVER...but I had a whole lot to catch up on. I promise the next one won't be so long.

Taking it to the next level

A little while ago I mentioned that I published a book, it is called To Leah, With Love. I have a link to it here on my blog. That was a big step for me, and now I am ready to take another big step and take my book to the next level.
The truth is I'm not even sure what that really means. But these are a few things I've done...A couple of weeks ago I took some of my books to a local LDS Bookstore, The Brass Plates. I made a blog that is just about my book. Go check it out by clicking here.  I have sent a few copies out to publishers. And I will be in Utah September 23rd through the 27th to try and talk to some more people about it. I am excited but also incredibly nervous. I don't take rejection well, so I've been working on developing some thick skin.
So here is what I am asking of my fabulous, faithful readers to help me take it to the next level...
I've decided to make it worth your while by having a GIVEAWAY! The rules are these:
Do a post about about me and my book and make sure you put a link to my website http://www.toleahwithlove.blogspot.com/.
Leave a nice, supportive comment on my book blog.
This must happen by Thursday September 15th. Then I will enter you in a drawing for a copy of my book and an extra little somethin', somethin'. There will be two winners just to add a little more excitement!
Thank you in advance for your kind support!

To Leah, With Love...

Can I have your attention please?!  I am about to make an important announcement....I would like to introduce you to my book.

"To Leah, With Love..."

(front cover)

 

(back cover)

I have been a little apprehensive about sharing this.  At the same time I've been excited...does that make any sense?

So here is the story...

Leah is my cousin. We are pretty tight as far as cousins go. I lived with her family for awhile when I was college age and she was in elementary school. She came and lived with us for part of a summer when she was fourteen. I have always been nosey about her business and free with my advice. When she was in high school I wrote her some sweet sixteen advice about not wasting her kisses on frogs and saving them for her prince. I even gave her a necklace with a frog charm for her to wear as a reminder. Well I'm still not sure how much she actually took to heart but I know she made it through high school a happy girl with no major scars from the boys she dated.

So after Leah graduated from high school, we spent some time together right before she took off for college. I tried to give her every bit of wisdom I could in the short time we had together. Finally she said, "You are going to have to write all this down for me because I'm not going to remember it." And that is how this all got started.

So one day I sat down, said a prayer, and  began to write her a letter that turned into a book. The first copy I gave her was some computer paper pages clipped together. After two months at school I went to visit her. We read the book together with her sister, some of their roommates and friends. They all liked it and mentioned they wanted a copy. I didn't think much of it.

A few months went by and I decided I wanted to see what would happen if I sent it to Deseret Book, an LDS publisher. I worked hard to get it ready and then I sent it off. It took a few weeks to hear back that they had gotten it and they were considering it. Then after a few months I heard back that "they weren't interested at this time". I was rejected. It hurt. I felt dumb. I threw my manuscript in the garbage but kept the one in my computer files. Then in March I felt like I should finish what I started. I found a way to publish it on line by myself. So the past three months I have been working on it. I finally finished it, it came last week. Eden saw it and said, "Mom does that mean you are an author?" and I said "Yes, Eden, I guess it does."

As much as it feels like an accomplishment, it is also nerve wracking...almost embarrassing to know that my words are out there to be criticized and mocked. On the other hand, it feels great to know that what started out as a letter, written out of love for my cousin, could now benefit other girls as well. I totally felt the Spirit many times during the writing process. The night I thought it was finished, I couldn't sleep until I added two paragraphs. The words were clear and very specific. Even though I wrote the words, I know they weren't mine.
So there you have it. If you are interested in a copy, you can click on my book icon found here on my blog, or if you live close by, I can hook you up for $10.  Or you can leave me a comment with your email and I can send you a copy with a personal message. I can't guarantee it what it will say, it may be inappropriate, it may be Camden scribbles...but it will be a personal message. All proceeds will go towards our adoption fund...until we pay that off and then I will buy shoes.
Please...PLEASE do not feel obligated to buy one just because we are friends. If you know someone who would be interested, then by all means give them my link. Otherwise, just leave me a comment that reminds me that "I'm good enough...I'm smart enough...and gosh darnet people like me." I'm feeling a little exposed so that would be nice of you.