My Birthday and a Challenge

This is what I looked like the day I turned 37. 

We woke up early to go to Maya's Cross Country meet. 

The kids made me some very cute little homemade cards.

As soon as we got home I took off for a run. When I got home Aric had a treat waiting for me. From the first day I got here I wanted a cupcake from Konditor Meister, a famous bakery that happened to be down the road from us. So he got me a yummy chocolate cupcake.

I had a goal that I had set 100 days before my birthday...to read the Book of Mormon from beginning to end while journaling the entire experience. I never needed to be spiritually fed more than I did during this particular time in my life. I have always loved and appreciated having this book in my life. I have read it many times along with the Bible. This time I read it as a 100 day challenge that my friend, Melissa, had given me. She gave it to me back in January as a New Years resolution idea but it ended up being put in my night stand and I forgot about it until I was packing for Boston...five months later. I tossed it into my rubbermaid and thought maybe I would do it while I was in Boston. After a couple a few rough weeks I saw it in my bin and decided...What the heck? I was definitely inspired to bring it and it ended up being the most important thing I brought with me. You can download it here. You don't have to be a Mormon to get something out of it. It brought me closer to God and made me feel even a greater love and gratitude for Christ. The quotes and questions that go along with the reading are awesome. I was so proud of myself for doing it, it was the gift that kept on giving...

 Yay for 100 days and year 37!

Family Pics and Deep Thoughts

As I mentioned in my previous post, I traded some pictures for some pillows. My talented friend Kristen delivered and it was more than a trade, it was a gift. I wanted so badly to have our family pictures taken in the city. I wanted to capture the beauty of the city that I loved so much and document my family during this crazy time in our lives. 

Leaving our life, that was ten years in the making, was the hardest thing I have ever done. Walking away from the loving arms of people that had become family after sharing a decade worth of life all because we felt that Heavenly Father had another plan for us, was and still is, brutal. A plan that came out of nowhere, a plan that required more faith and trust than I had/have. A plan that has driven me to depths in my soul that I didn't even know existed. Even though I am still in the thick of this trial of my faith, I feel blessed to be able to look back on Boston with a heart full of love and gratitude for the lessons learned, the love felt, the relationships created and the strength gained from having followed the prompting to go there.

As we go through these pictures I have decided to document some of the tender mercies and experiences we had that I don't ever want to forget...I know that there are many people who have much more difficult trials than I have been asked to endure, but this is my way of documenting what my family has experienced and how our trials no matter how big or small, are part of this life and how we choose to deal with them makes all the difference. I want this documented for my posterity so that one day it might help them...

( I had this idea to take pictures next to house numbers that represented their ages while we were living there. One of my coolest ideas ever!)

My twelve year old Maya

I had some of the hardest moments as a parent while living in Boston. Having to watch my children grieve the loss of their grandma was the hardest thing ever and we still were dealing with that pain when we moved. That kind of suffering takes some time to process. So having to watch Maya suffer such intense emotional pain from losing GK and then having to leave the only life she had ever known was beyond anything I have ever experienced in my 12 year career as a mom. Night after night she would cry herself to sleep. I could not comfort her. All I could do was cry with her. Sadly her pain didn't leave when we left Boston. We have endured it this entire time we have been in Utah...but that is another post.

What I learned while trying to parent this broken hearted child of mine, and watch her courageously face what was being asked of her, is that she needed this experience. This made her resilient in a way I couldn't have taught her. It gave me daily teaching moments. She learned how to rely on the Lord, and trust him. She had her own confirmation by the Holy Ghost that this is where God wanted her to be and He knew how hard this was for her. She learned that she needed to turn to Christ for comfort and strength. She did and continues to do so. It made me get a real sense of how our loving Heavenly Father feels about us as we go through trials that are necessary for our growth.

I am in awe of this young woman. Having to start seventh grade twice in two very different and strange places required courage that I know I didn't have at her age. She had to share a 8ft x 8ft room with her nine year old sister and four year old brother. She had to sleep on the floor on an air mattress for five months and share one bathroom with the entire family. She never complained. Not even once! My girl grew up right before my eyes. Even though she struggled every day, she still managed to find joy and made some incredible memories. She told me the other day that she misses Boston so much and that she wishes we could go back...me too Maya, me too.

Nine year old Eden

Watching Eden through this entire journey has been incredible. I have never seen a more adaptable child. From the moment she found out about our life change she embraced it. Both arms wrapped tightly around it. She was so brave meeting new people and jumping into whatever situation she was put in. As she watched Maya struggle she had so much compassion for her. One day I pulled Eden aside and apologized for having not spent much "one on one" time with her. I explained that Maya was having such a hard time that she needed me in a way that Eden didn't. Eden totally understood and said, "It's okay mom, I know Maya needs you more right now." This is still true in our life here in Utah, and Eden still manages to be understanding. I know I wouldn't have been at her age.

Eden truly loved everything about our life in Boston, even our tiny apartment. In her eyes it was cool. She soaked in every sight, sound and smell that the city had to offer. She was up for anything and made our outings memorable with all her questions and observations. I hope her memories will be vivid, I pray that they have been deeply cemented into her mind and that she will always remember with great fondness our time in Boston. She is still pretty young and I don't want her to forget. I know she fell head over heels in love with the city just like I did and I can't wait to take her back someday and revisit all of our favorite places.

Camden, age four.

Oh this child...he was a turkey all right. It wouldn't have mattered if we had stayed in Liberty Lake or moved to Russia. He is full of life and that zest for life has kept me on my toes but also, has kept my zest from disappearing altogether when it very well could have. He was so happy to be in the same place as Aric again. I don't think a child needs their dad more than C does. He missed him so desperately while we apart for those six weeks Aric was in Boston without us.

Camden loved our tiny living space. I had bought a keyboard on craigslist so that the girls could keep up with their piano skills while we were apart from our piano. C loved the music settings and quickly learned which buttons to push to get the songs he liked (Livin' la Vida Loca was his favorite). There was a whole lot of break dancing going on. We lived on the second floor so I'm pretty sure the people below us hated us. He loved having such close living quarters with all of us. It's proven to be something that he has grown so accustomed to that he doesn't like living in a big house because he can't see everyone at all times. He is always near me...always.

C was such a good sport when it came to the many, MANY outings that we took. He walked everywhere with us...literally miles and miles. He rarely complained. As long as I had gum or a capri sun in my bag he was up for it. His favorite thing about Boston, besides Aunt Carolyn, was riding the train. We never really had to have a destination, he could have ridden it all day long. He loved people watching and pointing out very loudly the observations he had. I think the biggest observation he made was that he was black. The more people he saw that looked like him the more it dawned on him that he looked different from the rest of us. I loved it. I am so grateful that he had that opportunity to be around so many people that looked like him.

One of the hardest things about leaving our life was leaving our friends but what I realized while living without friends nearby, was how much time I was able to spend with my kids that I wouldn't have if we had stayed. We did EVERYTHING together. 

There were no play dates, no girls nights, no team sports. It was only us, all the time. I know now that I  need to have a better balance. I needed my girlfriends and my space, I still do. My kids need friends and play dates as well, but now I know that in order for me to be truly balanced I need more time with just them...although right now we are severely out of balance because Aric is gone all the time and we still don't have friends so we are still ALL we have...heaven help me! 

I got to experience how awesome my kids really are. I got to have some great conversations with them. There were times where they saw me struggle and they comforted me. They were the reason I got up everyday. My love for them made me pull myself out of my grief and put my stress aside so I could enjoy them.

Aric and I had always had a good relationship. But I had no idea how much closer we could become. I have never relied on him like I did while we were in Boston. I had never relied on anyone like that. No one else could possibly understand what we were going through. 

I had never felt so alone, that loneliness is still very present in my life which makes me even more grateful for him. There was no one to talk to, no one to run with. No one to meet at the park, or vent to about life. Aric became my rock in a way I never let him be before. I had moments that I was so weak but at the same time I knew Aric needed me to be his rock, his need for me made me strong and kept me from hiding in my darkness.

Every Sunday after church we would come home, change our clothes and then Aric and I would go the cemetery that was across the street from our apartment and talk. It was the only time the two of us were ever alone. We noticed after a few weeks that there was a pattern. One week it was me freaking out, the next it was him. We would take turns being the one crumbling and being the strong one. Those were sacred conversations that bonded us in a way that was so unexpected after 13 years of marriage.

I will always treasure our cemetery talks. I also loved the days the kids and I brought him lunch. We would walk up to his school and see him for a few minutes and visit with his friends and meet his teachers. Since we didn't see him often it was a treat to spend those moments with him. He would always bring us little snacks from the break room...oreos, granola bars, mints, chips and other random snacks. It was such a treat because we were on such a tight budget that those items were a luxury!

About half way through our time in Boston, I felt so forgotten and so alone that even Aric and the kids couldn't touch my pain. I went to the temple with Aric to try and find some answers and feel some comfort. I didn't get anything. I was so angry. I felt like that was my last resort to find some peace and gain some understanding...this was during a time when our house in LL was still sitting there after five long, financially painful months, our renters in AZ broke their lease and destroyed our house, and we still didn't have a job lined up after graduation. We had no income coming in and were watching our savings slip through our hands. I had given up so much to follow this prompting and yet everything was still going sideways. I just couldn't understand it. 

On the way home I just lost it and started to cry and in that moment I started having an angry conversation with Heavenly Father. In my mind I was bitterly expressing my anger and pain, and before I could get to far into my rant, these words came sharply into my mind, "This is a gift." They were crystal clear just as we drove across the Charles River into the city. Again words came into my mind "Jessica, I've given you this gift, don't you see it?" I realized right then that I was letting myself get so caught up in the things that I couldn't control and instead of trusting Him, I was letting myself get so overwhelmed that I couldn't see the gift that He had given me. Living in Boston and being able to share it with Aric and my kids was a gift! A gift to me from my loving Heavenly Father.

After that conversation, I felt so stupid for not recognizing the gift that had been given to me, to us. Of all the places that we could have been sent to for Aric to go to school, God sent us to Boston. A place that I loved so dearly. A place that had family that we could reconnect with. A place full of history and exciting things to do and see. A place with people who He had prepared for us to meet.

Even though we had some of our darkest hours in Boston, we also had some of our greatest experiences that we count among some of our greatest blessings. We each had our own individual experiences that changed us for the better. None of us will ever be the same and for that I am so grateful. As a family we learned how to get through something hard together. On the heels of losing GK, we were all still emotionally fragile and we learned how to grieve together and help each other heal and become stronger people. 

Speaking of healing...one of the girls I met had a baby while I was there. I brought her dinner one night and she handed me her newborn to hold. It was the first time that I had held a baby and didn't have my heart hurt because it was a reminder of my infertility and the plan I had that didn't come to pass. My heart was still, it was only moved by the joy of holding such a fresh spirit who still had the smell of heaven in her hair. It felt amazing.

As a family we also learned how to have more trust in each other and most importantly, how to have more trust in the Lord and recognize his tender mercies. I am forever grateful for the gift I was given to live in Boston and have so many amazing, life changing experiences. As a family we will treasure every moment, even the dark ones, because those are the ones that brought us closer to Christ, and closer as a family.

I know that God has a plan for each of us. I thought I had a testimony of that before but I know it with all my heart now. His hand has brought us this far and he has continued to open doors and provide miracles on our behalf. Although the Boston leg of this journey is over, we are still not quite at the end of this adventure. I am still coming to terms with where we have landed. In the meantime, I will hold onto the lessons learned in Boston, hoping that they will see us through our difficult days here.

Thank You Boston for being my gift and giving me such joy in the midst of so much sorrow. Once again, God sent me to you to help heal me.

Doctrine and Covenants 122:7

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and if the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens father blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

So I won't forget...

This is me in my al natural glory, no make up, gray roots and all. I 'm not a fan of close ups of myself and I could critique this picture 'til the cows come home...in fact I already have. It's certainly not the best picture of myself but this was a great day and I didn't want to forget anything about it so I allowed it to be taken. This is what ocean wind and salt water looks like on me. This is what I looked like when I was 36 years and 10 months old while I was living in my beloved Boston going through one of the hardest times in my life. My eyes don't quite have the spark they had a year before, instead they look a little dull and tired. Behind the dullness they carry the wisdom that only comes from being stretched, heartbroken and tried beyond my strength. What surprises me most about this picture is that I see peace behind those dull eyes. A quiet peace that has always been there, even when I didn't realize it was there. When this picture was taken I was going through one of my hardest weeks ever. It felt like I was slipping and I couldn't catch myself. Yet, in this picture I remember that underneath it all there was faith, there was trust, there was peace. There were just moments and days that I let myself forget. I don't want to forget again so I am posting this...

One of the things that got me through this difficult time was receiving a priesthood blessing from Aric. I'm at a loss for my own words when it comes to describing what that blessing did for me. The lyrics of one of my favorite "Sunday Songs" (Power of Heaven) expresses my feelings better than I could write them...

When I’m reaching for an answer, when I’m aching for relief. 

When I’m searching for direction, that my eyes no longer see.

I can call upon a power, born by heaven’s worthy sons. Servants of a gentle master reassure me of His love.

Power of heaven, Mercy’s answer, precious gift. Power of heaven, like the rushing of the wind. 

Whispering solace to my spirit. 

Heaven reaches through my pain. 

In my searching heart I hear it, heaven speaks to me by name. 

When the windows of his promises are open to my view,

 Precious words of revelation, like the sun come pouring through.

Power of Heaven. Breathe in me.

For a moment, heaven lingers, 

And the veil is drawn away. 

I’m reminded of the blessings that will flow if I obey. 

He has calmed my troubled spirit. Living peace has been restored.

May I always find my comfort in the power of the Lord. I will always seek my comfort in the power of the Lord.

Power of heaven, Mercy’s answer, precious gift. Power of heaven, like the rushing of the wind. 

Power of Heaven, Mercy’s answer precious gift. Power of Heaven.

I'm Alive...and All is Well. At least for today.

That storm I told you about here, well I truly had no idea what was brewing. When GK started going downhill and we realized that we were going to lose her it was like an 10.0 earthquake tore through our hearts and souls. We are still feeling the aftershocks.

About a year ago we felt like there was going to be a change with Aric's career we just didn't know what it was. We did our best to listen to the spirit and hear what direction God was steering us in. We got interesting messages that didn't make sense but in the end we felt like nothing real would happen until we lost GK. But when that actually happened we were so caught up in our grief and trying to move on without her, it never occurred to me that a change like this would happen so soon or exactly how insane this change would be. It's like a tsunami after the earthquake, here we are trying to emotionally clean up and rebuild but we can't because this other disaster comes out of nowhere.

Some may say (and a couple have actually have had enough guts to tell me) that we brought this disaster upon ourselves. After all, we are the ones that chose to do this, but what they don't understand is how faith works. We believe that God has a plan for us, this is His plan for us. We have been given the revelation and now we have chosen to take these giant leaps of faith. The choice to do it wasn't that hard, once we knew by the spirit that this was what we were supposed to do, there was no question whether we would do it. But just because something is spirit driven does not mean that it is easy.

It's so hard to talk about this. It's one of the reasons I have only talked to very few people about it. I hate to sound ungrateful for this opportunity that Aric has been given, but it is equal to Camden, the hardest thing we have ever done. This isn't just getting a new job and moving to a new place. This is leaving a career of 12 years, to start over in a whole new industry. It's being unemployed for six months while we pay lots of money for Aric to get trained for his new career. It's not just any training, it's a semester full of information shoved into a week. It's if you get below an 80% three times on your weekly test you get kicked out of the program.

It's leaving the only home and life your children have ever known. Maya just finished sixth grade and Eden 3rd grade. That's a lot of life to have to give up and because we are in Boston for such a short time it's not a place we put down roots...the transition is not easy.

It's leaving a home that took nine years worth of blood, sweat and tears to make it everything we wanted it to be. Which would have some consolation if we knew were moving into an equally nice home somewhere else. Instead we could only pack what I could fit in my car and put what we could in a storage unit and get rid of the rest.

It literally took me two months to go through every piece of paper, picture, piece of clothing, dish, linen, toy, book, food item, game, dvd...you name it, I touched it and decided whether it went to storage, goodwill, Boston, a friend, a family member or the trash. And now we are living it up in our 970 sqft apartment that costs almost as much as my 3400 sqft house did.

Emotionally it has been tough, and at times unbearable. Especially after I left Aric in Boston and had to finish packing and move out of the house on my own. Being in Liberty Lake without him was torture. Our home was just a shell. Nothing on the walls, we slept on mattresses on the floor. We ate on a folding table on patio chairs for four weeks. Our home had absorbed every memory...every birthday, every Christmas and Easter, every First Friday, every Family Fun Time, every baby shower, every movie night and even that precious night we brought Camden home. It's like I was leaving behind a vault of love and memories. I was not prepared for the emotion that came over me when I had to say goodbye to my home.

Leaving behind the army of friends and family that came to my aid is something I wonder if I will ever get over because I know that I will never be able to repay them for everything that they did. I have a hard time asking for help under any circumstance, but this was particularly hard because I barely knew what I needed aside from Camden care and dinners, there were mostly only tasks that I could do. But I had phone calls and texts daily offering help. I had friends stop by when all they had was an hour to give to fold my laundry, clean my fridge, dust or just talk and give me some comfort. I had bedding dropped off so we could pack up ours. I had lunches brought to me so that I would remember to eat. I had friends plan and carry out going away parties for me and each of my girls.

I wish I had a picture of every sweet soul that walked through my door and offered help and support, these are only a few...just writing this is making me all teary, I can barely see my screen!

I had the young men in my congregation, who used to be my Primary kids, come and do yard work for me.

I had my brother come all the way from Portland on a rare weekend that he had off from work, to come spend time with me and my kids and help get me packed up.

I had my parents make the trek two weekends in a row to help get me on the road.

It's so humbling to be on this side of service, I felt like the service project that never ended. I hated it. When I got to North Dakota the first thing I did...after I slept, was find something to do in my aunt and uncle's house that needed to be done.

So I installed a new faucet, took down and put up a new light fixture and painted one of their bathrooms (the walls went from Hello Kitty pink to Babbar gray). It felt so good to be on the other side of service. I have been blessed so much by so many that the only way for me to pay it back is to pay it forward.

Now that we are here in Boston, I just stand amazed at what has happened to me, to us. The past six months have been the hardest I've ever lived. I don't mean to sound so dramatic, I know that many people have way harder experiences but for me and my family, this has been a time of great heartache and a time that we've had to rely on our faith like we never have before. I hesitate even sharing it in such depth except that I believe that part of this experience is about me being a witness to God's great miracles that he still performs in each of our lives. That His hand is ever present in our lives, even when we don't acknowledge Him, He is still so aware and working on our behalf. I have heard His counsel through many blessings and through the whisperings of the spirit. I have felt angels around me ministering to me and my children during our times of need, on our trip out here and especially when we lost GK. In fact, I believe she has been with us on this journey every step of the way.

I was asked to give a talk in my church before I left on "How God has a plan for me"... I may or may not post it some time, but the quote that instantly came to my mind when I got the topic was this:

"I know that God lives. I know that he loves us. I know that apart from him no one can succeed, but as a partner with him no one can fail. I know that God can make a lot more out of our lives than we can."
~Ezra Taft Benson

Sometimes His plan is hard. It feels like you are in a storm. Sometimes it requires great sacrifice and is not meant to be quick and painless. I still worry about how we are going to get through these next six months and where we are going to end up when it's all said and done. I hope and pray that we will sell our house soon. I worry about Aric and the stress that he is under. I worry about my girls making friends and finding joy in this transition. I worry about me being a nice mom and having the patience needed to be around them...like within ten feet of them at all times kind of patience. But when I let myself get overwhelmed (like every other day) with all of these things it's dark and sad. Sometimes I like to stay there for awhile and throw myself a pitty party. Then I snap out of it and I pray. The peace comes and the strength I need to get through the day comes and all is well. These are the words that come into my mind most often...from the hymn "Come, Come Ye Saints"

"Why should we mourn, or think our lot is hard? Tis not so, all is right.

Why should we think to earn a great reward, if we now, shun the fight?

Gird up your loins! Fresh courage take, our God will never us forsake.

Oh how we'll make this chorus swell..."All is well, all is well!"

 I took these pictures at the Winter Quarters Nebraska Mormon Pioneer Cemetery...the picture above is the words "Gird up your loins, Fresh courage take, Our God will never us forsake" written in cement below a beautiful monument.

The one below says "After much tribulations come the blessings" Sometimes the blessing is getting to know God better because we went through the tribulation leaning on him for comfort and guidance. Another blessing is realizing how strong we have become for having gone through it.

In a way I feel like I gave my talk all over again...but with all the posts that I have to do, I knew I had to do this one first. Now that it is done, I can move on the the lighter stuff. Stay tuned for LOTS of catching up posts...

What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Stronger

About a month ago, I was asked by my neighbor to be a guest speaker in one of her classes that she teaches at a downtown Jr. High. She wanted me to talk about my book and how I decided to become an author.  I accepted the invitation but made sure she new I wasn't a "real" author. Let's face it, I'm no Stephanie Meyers and I wanted to make sure she realized that I wasn't anything special. She still really wanted me to come so we set a date.

I was under the impression that there was going to be another speaker that day so I didn't have a ton prepared. The night before I ran into my neighbor at Home Depot where she told me that I was the only speaker planned for that day. I had the whole time! Yikes!

As we discussed in my last post, I am a talker. But I still didn't know how I was going to take up a whole 50 minutes just talking about my tiny little book. My neighbor had explained that most of the kids in her class are kids who are what you might call "at risk".  Most come from broken homes where parents are lucky if they have a high school diploma. She really wants to motivate them to stay in school and have the goal now to go to college.

Now at this point I am going to stop this part of my story and move on to the back story...this is when I might get a little "too real".

I come from a pretty dysfunctional background. It looks a little something like this...

- born to teenage mom
- bio-dad (whom I like to refer to as Sperm Donor) takes off when I'm a baby never to return, leaving my mom pregnant with a toddler and a baby.
- raised by a mean, abusive step dad
- watched that marriage disintegrate
- got married too young to a guy that had serious issues
- divorced by age 21

Who wouldn't be screwed up coming from that! (And that was the short version) Thankfully my mom was strong and chose to rise above the tragedies that plagued her own life. At the age of eighteen she found the gospel of Jesus Christ and joined the LDS Church. She did her best to raise her children according to his teachings.

I was blessed that those teachings stuck with me and helped me rise above the trials that came into my life. I was blessed to find Aric and we have created a wonderful life together. But our "happily ever after" has had some rough patches. Infertility, adoption, my mother in law's cancer...those have given us some pretty dark times. Our faith and love has gotten us through those times but boy do I have some scars.

So every now and then (like maybe once a year) I get frustrated about where I came from. I see people in my life who seem to have had it so easy. They grow up in a family that is intact. They grow up, go to college, meet a great person and get married. They decide to start a family and ta da! They have how ever many babies they want, when they want them. Not that they haven't had their struggles but when I compare them to what I have gone through it seems like I was dealt a way more crappy hand.

I found myself really feeling bad and mad. I was distancing myself from God because I was mad at him for giving me such a hard life. I just couldn't understand why he would make my path so thorny and give someone else such an easy one. I was jealous of my friends. I just couldn't shake the self pity feelings. I finally started to pray about it. I asked for some specific things and I just wasn't feeling heard. About eight weeks went by and I was getting really worried that I wasn't going to be able to shake it. That is when my neighbor had asked me to speak in her class.

Back to the other part of this story...

So as I sat there thinking about what to share with this classroom full of at risk teenagers my mind started racing. I totally felt the spirit guide my thoughts. My great grandma came to my mind, how she left everything in Honduras to come to the United States to provide a better life for her only son and his family. She sacrificed so much. Her life was hard. My grandparents lives were hard. My mom's life was hard. But every generation got a little better. Everything they did was to ensure that my life (and the lives of their other children) was better than theirs. And though my life was challenging it has brought me to this moment. This moment where I am married to a great guy. I am a mom with three beautiful children, who are growing up in a loving home. They have parents who are committed to each other and God. My children are growing up with the life I always wanted. I made the choice to rise above my circumstances. And ultimately that is why I wrote my book.

My book was not written for the world, it was written for my cousin. I wrote it for her, in hopes that she would learn from my mistakes and keep her on a life path that would allow her to look back with little or no regrets. That she too, would learn how to rise above what ever difficult times she would be faced with.

That is why I wrote the book. That is why I became an author.

I nailed my presentation. I showed them pictures of my family. I showed them pictures of me at their age, through high school, college days and now. I talked to them about my book but mostly I told them about me. They had lots of questions and I thoroughly enjoyed my time with them. The time flew by.

It didn't hit me until I was driving home, when a voice came into my mind and hit my heart like a ton of bricks...

"This is why I gave you the struggles. This is why it was so hard. So you can go and do what you just did. This is who I need you to be, and you are who you are because of what you've overcome."

The dark, ugly feelings that I had been feeling for all those weeks literally poured out of me through the tears. It was such a clear revelation. It was what I had been praying for and waiting for. I knew my answer had come. What I didn't realize was how much I just wanted to know that Heavenly Father was aware of me. I'm so dang needy that even though He has shown me his love over and over, sometimes I just need it spelled out for me and in this moment he totally delivered.

The other interesting thing that happened was how much compassion I instantly felt for everyone around me. It's like I was so blinded by my feelings of self pity that I could not see the needs of those around me. I felt so guilty for being so self absorbed. Of course everyone has faced their own battles. No one's life is free from trials and pain. There are people with way harder lives and challenges. I just let Satan get into my heart and mess with my head. There are many ways to destroy a person's soul, attacking their self worth is the first step.

I am so grateful for this experience. I learned so much from it, which is why I wanted it documented. It may be a little too personal. In fact I've waited a few weeks to write about it. I thought about writing it in my real journal but I feel compelled to put it out here, maybe someone else needs to hear this too.

In the right place, at the right time...

A week ago today we were in fabulous Maui. We had an amazing time and I, of course, took tons of pictures and I have some entertaining stories to tell...but first I wanted to share this experience. It turned out to be one of the highlights of our trip and certainly one of the highlights of my life.

The last time Aric and I went to Maui we didn't go to church because we didn't know where the church was until it was too late. So this trip we made sure we had all the info we needed to get there. The meetings were supposed to start at 9am. We got a cab and pulled into the parking lot at 8:50am. For those of you who know us well, I'm sure you are shocked that we were so early...anyway we pulled into an empty parking lot. It seemed strange and our cab driver was hesitant to leave us. Aric saw a sign taped to the front door of the building so he went to check it out. While he did that another car pulled up. There were two sweet little grannies in it. The sign said that it was stake conference and the meeting started at 8am at a building that was far away. While we discussed what to do with the two older sisters, two other cars pulled up. We sent our cab away because we  had already figured out a ride back to the hotel.
By 9:05 we had over twenty people there. It was decided that we would have a testimony meeting. We opened the meeting with a song and a prayer. We all sat on the patio of the chapel over looking the ocean. For an hour and a half we bore testimonies of Christ and his gospel. Stories and scriptures were shared. The spirit was indescribably strong. I will never forget it.
One brother mentioned the scripture  Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."
I know Heavenly Father blessed us with his spirit as we testified to each other of Him and His Son Jesus Christ.  As we sang, prayed and cried together we felt a closeness that only the spirit of Christ can provide. Each of us could have chosen to play instead of worship that day. We came from all across the country to vacation and yet we all knew that there is no vacation from the Sabbath.
We came from Arizona, Utah, Indiana, Washington, California and Oregon. For an hour and a half we were a temporary ward, we had Young Women and Young Men, Primary and Relief Society. Most importantly, we had the priesthood to preside and that was all we needed.
We closed our meeting the same way we began, but now we felt truly like brothers and sisters. We started out as strangers in a church parking lot, and left as brothers and sisters bound together by the thread of the gospel.
After the prayer I grabbed my camera, which I conveniently had in my purse and took a picture of our congregation of 43 strong.

 

I am so grateful for that experience. I feel the spirit all over again just writing about it. I know that we were blessed to be at the right place at the right time.

*****

To my temporary ward...thank you for sharing your testimonies with me and Aric. Our testimonies were strengthened by you and we are better people for having met you all. We will treasure our time with you forever...xoxo

Still processing...

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that C's adoption is actually finalized. I just knew that going to the temple would be the icing on my yummy chocolate cake...and it was.

(For more information on temples, and why this was such an important event for me and my family you can click here to read more.)

Saturday was amazing. I'm still not sure how to put all of my feelings and thoughts into words. I'm still not sure how much I want to share. So for the time being I will just share pictures.

I made Camden's overalls, his tie...

...and his shoes.

I had great intentions on making myself a new temple dress but when I was half way done with it, I realized it just wasn't that important. It was just adding more stress to my life so I let it go. The cool thing is that I did make the dress I ended up wearing, like ten years ago...I also made Maya's dress, it was the one I made for her baptism. And Eden is wearing the dress my mom made me when I got baptized eons ago. I hemmed Aric's pants, so technically all of our temple clothes were extra special.

My darling girls were so thrilled to be in the temple with us. We had been preparing them for months. They were ready. The vision of them in that room will be forever burned in my mind.

We had so much love and support from our family and friends. Our sealing room only held twenty...so we had most of the men standing. For some reason my mom, Joe and Evelynne were missing from this photo but they were there too. Ev was Camden's escort.

 

And yes, Karen was there...

It was the most glorious day. The rain stopped just long enough for us to take some pictures. My friend Kerry did a great job as photographer. You should check out her blog. She hardly ever posts anything, but she did do a post about our special day.

    
On Sunday Aric blessed Camden. In my church we don't baptize babies when they are born, instead they are given a name and a blessing. Aric gave Camden a beautiful blessing.
(I think Aric looks rather dashing in this photo...)

Eden took this next picture. Photographers were limited due to the time...we were late leaving church.

We eventually did find someone to take this family shot.

Like I mentioned before I'm still processing the amazing events of the past twelve days, but really I have been putting the past five years in perspective. It's been quite the journey. It was hard...REALLY hard, but, oh, so worth it!

I know that God is aware, his peace is real. The love and gratitude I feel is indescribable. My joy is full.

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your love and kind words. I hold them dear.