Sunday, September 18, 2016

Exhaling Part 1

I feel like I've been holding my breath for the past four years and nine months, and now I am finally getting to exhale. I could not write while I was holding my breath. I have never been one to only put out the "pretty" part of my life. I think being real is refreshing and since my blog is my journal that I turn into a book for my family history, I think documenting real life is important. The thing is that my life was a little too real and too raw to write about. I've needed some time and space to process the events that we've experienced before I could write. Now I have so much to say but I'm not sure how, or if, I will be able to get it all out, but I am ready to try.

First of all, I am feeling guilt about not writing. My blog books are something my kids love to read. Even today Eden spent at least an hour reading one of them. I love having so much of our life documented for them to look at because had I not documented many of those things, we wouldn't remember them. There are so many things that I didn't document that are forever lost and I am so mad at myself for that. In an effort to let of of some of that guilt, I committed to put out a post today.

So here we go!

Exhaling feels amazing, especially after holding your breath for an obnoxious amount of time. Usually that first exhale is a quick one, followed by a big breath in and lots of pants afterwards. This particular exhale of mine isn't quite like that, it's more like a yoga exhale...slowly expelling the hot air that has been suffocating me. And then slowly, thoughtfully, almost cautiously, inhaling a new breath. Although holding my breath had become uncomfortable and exhausting, letting it go was not something I would allow myself to do. The choice was always mine, whether or not I was going to let it go, but it sure didn't feel like it. I felt like I had a weight on my chest and I was slowly drowning...emotionally and spiritually drowning.

This was not all that new of a feeling. I've been in that awful heavy place before, I think almost everyone has been there at one time or another in their lives...we find ourselves dealing with the garbage life throws at us and we hate it, but we sit in it for awhile because even though it stinks, you kind of just get used to it, but after awhile you get sick of the smell and you pull yourself out, or some of your beloveds see you in your funk and help to pull you out of it. Unfortunately, I didn't have any of my beloveds near me to save me from myself and I just couldn't find the strength to pull myself out of it on my own. All of my reserves had been exhausted. It was a really scary place to be but I didn't dare let anyone know how deep my despair was. Looking back now, I was worse off than I could have ever imagined. For the most part I had become numb, which is seriously not good, but what was even worse, is that the other part of me was just angry.

I was angry because when I agreed to walk away from my comfortable life, the one I spent my who life working and sacrificing for, I did it with total faith that it was the Lord's will and our family would be greatly blessed for taking such a leap of faith and that our sacrifices would be worth it. I trusted that He would deliver us and lead us to a place that would be worth all of the madness and uncertainty that we would experience. Well as days turned into months, and months into years, and years into more years without any relief in sight...I felt forgotten. I felt like it was all for nothing and began to question everything I believed. Not the kind of stuff I really wanted to write about.

My darkest days started about a year ago, I thought God was finally hearing my pleas and was opening the doors necessary for Aric to get a new job that would take us back West. As Aric kept moving through the interview process I was sure that everything was finally coming together...the reason why we couldn't sell our house in Utah was because we were supposed to move back and not only would his job be a better use of his talents, he would be working with one of his best friends! I let hope stir in my heart that all would be made right again...sadly, that was not what was happening and everything came to an abrupt stop. The disappointment was almost more than I could bear, my faith that had once been so rock solid and secure was crumbling beneath my feet. My exhausted reserves gave me nothing to cling to...I began a quick, downward spiral into a dark place fuled by anger but I was too spiritually numb to do much about it.

*I've realized that this exhale being such a slow process requires a very long explanation. So this will have to be part one.