Family Pics and Deep Thoughts

As I mentioned in my previous post, I traded some pictures for some pillows. My talented friend Kristen delivered and it was more than a trade, it was a gift. I wanted so badly to have our family pictures taken in the city. I wanted to capture the beauty of the city that I loved so much and document my family during this crazy time in our lives. 

Leaving our life, that was ten years in the making, was the hardest thing I have ever done. Walking away from the loving arms of people that had become family after sharing a decade worth of life all because we felt that Heavenly Father had another plan for us, was and still is, brutal. A plan that came out of nowhere, a plan that required more faith and trust than I had/have. A plan that has driven me to depths in my soul that I didn't even know existed. Even though I am still in the thick of this trial of my faith, I feel blessed to be able to look back on Boston with a heart full of love and gratitude for the lessons learned, the love felt, the relationships created and the strength gained from having followed the prompting to go there.

As we go through these pictures I have decided to document some of the tender mercies and experiences we had that I don't ever want to forget...I know that there are many people who have much more difficult trials than I have been asked to endure, but this is my way of documenting what my family has experienced and how our trials no matter how big or small, are part of this life and how we choose to deal with them makes all the difference. I want this documented for my posterity so that one day it might help them...

( I had this idea to take pictures next to house numbers that represented their ages while we were living there. One of my coolest ideas ever!)

My twelve year old Maya

I had some of the hardest moments as a parent while living in Boston. Having to watch my children grieve the loss of their grandma was the hardest thing ever and we still were dealing with that pain when we moved. That kind of suffering takes some time to process. So having to watch Maya suffer such intense emotional pain from losing GK and then having to leave the only life she had ever known was beyond anything I have ever experienced in my 12 year career as a mom. Night after night she would cry herself to sleep. I could not comfort her. All I could do was cry with her. Sadly her pain didn't leave when we left Boston. We have endured it this entire time we have been in Utah...but that is another post.

What I learned while trying to parent this broken hearted child of mine, and watch her courageously face what was being asked of her, is that she needed this experience. This made her resilient in a way I couldn't have taught her. It gave me daily teaching moments. She learned how to rely on the Lord, and trust him. She had her own confirmation by the Holy Ghost that this is where God wanted her to be and He knew how hard this was for her. She learned that she needed to turn to Christ for comfort and strength. She did and continues to do so. It made me get a real sense of how our loving Heavenly Father feels about us as we go through trials that are necessary for our growth.

I am in awe of this young woman. Having to start seventh grade twice in two very different and strange places required courage that I know I didn't have at her age. She had to share a 8ft x 8ft room with her nine year old sister and four year old brother. She had to sleep on the floor on an air mattress for five months and share one bathroom with the entire family. She never complained. Not even once! My girl grew up right before my eyes. Even though she struggled every day, she still managed to find joy and made some incredible memories. She told me the other day that she misses Boston so much and that she wishes we could go back...me too Maya, me too.

Nine year old Eden

Watching Eden through this entire journey has been incredible. I have never seen a more adaptable child. From the moment she found out about our life change she embraced it. Both arms wrapped tightly around it. She was so brave meeting new people and jumping into whatever situation she was put in. As she watched Maya struggle she had so much compassion for her. One day I pulled Eden aside and apologized for having not spent much "one on one" time with her. I explained that Maya was having such a hard time that she needed me in a way that Eden didn't. Eden totally understood and said, "It's okay mom, I know Maya needs you more right now." This is still true in our life here in Utah, and Eden still manages to be understanding. I know I wouldn't have been at her age.

Eden truly loved everything about our life in Boston, even our tiny apartment. In her eyes it was cool. She soaked in every sight, sound and smell that the city had to offer. She was up for anything and made our outings memorable with all her questions and observations. I hope her memories will be vivid, I pray that they have been deeply cemented into her mind and that she will always remember with great fondness our time in Boston. She is still pretty young and I don't want her to forget. I know she fell head over heels in love with the city just like I did and I can't wait to take her back someday and revisit all of our favorite places.

Camden, age four.

Oh this child...he was a turkey all right. It wouldn't have mattered if we had stayed in Liberty Lake or moved to Russia. He is full of life and that zest for life has kept me on my toes but also, has kept my zest from disappearing altogether when it very well could have. He was so happy to be in the same place as Aric again. I don't think a child needs their dad more than C does. He missed him so desperately while we apart for those six weeks Aric was in Boston without us.

Camden loved our tiny living space. I had bought a keyboard on craigslist so that the girls could keep up with their piano skills while we were apart from our piano. C loved the music settings and quickly learned which buttons to push to get the songs he liked (Livin' la Vida Loca was his favorite). There was a whole lot of break dancing going on. We lived on the second floor so I'm pretty sure the people below us hated us. He loved having such close living quarters with all of us. It's proven to be something that he has grown so accustomed to that he doesn't like living in a big house because he can't see everyone at all times. He is always near me...always.

C was such a good sport when it came to the many, MANY outings that we took. He walked everywhere with us...literally miles and miles. He rarely complained. As long as I had gum or a capri sun in my bag he was up for it. His favorite thing about Boston, besides Aunt Carolyn, was riding the train. We never really had to have a destination, he could have ridden it all day long. He loved people watching and pointing out very loudly the observations he had. I think the biggest observation he made was that he was black. The more people he saw that looked like him the more it dawned on him that he looked different from the rest of us. I loved it. I am so grateful that he had that opportunity to be around so many people that looked like him.

One of the hardest things about leaving our life was leaving our friends but what I realized while living without friends nearby, was how much time I was able to spend with my kids that I wouldn't have if we had stayed. We did EVERYTHING together. 

There were no play dates, no girls nights, no team sports. It was only us, all the time. I know now that I  need to have a better balance. I needed my girlfriends and my space, I still do. My kids need friends and play dates as well, but now I know that in order for me to be truly balanced I need more time with just them...although right now we are severely out of balance because Aric is gone all the time and we still don't have friends so we are still ALL we have...heaven help me! 

I got to experience how awesome my kids really are. I got to have some great conversations with them. There were times where they saw me struggle and they comforted me. They were the reason I got up everyday. My love for them made me pull myself out of my grief and put my stress aside so I could enjoy them.

Aric and I had always had a good relationship. But I had no idea how much closer we could become. I have never relied on him like I did while we were in Boston. I had never relied on anyone like that. No one else could possibly understand what we were going through. 

I had never felt so alone, that loneliness is still very present in my life which makes me even more grateful for him. There was no one to talk to, no one to run with. No one to meet at the park, or vent to about life. Aric became my rock in a way I never let him be before. I had moments that I was so weak but at the same time I knew Aric needed me to be his rock, his need for me made me strong and kept me from hiding in my darkness.

Every Sunday after church we would come home, change our clothes and then Aric and I would go the cemetery that was across the street from our apartment and talk. It was the only time the two of us were ever alone. We noticed after a few weeks that there was a pattern. One week it was me freaking out, the next it was him. We would take turns being the one crumbling and being the strong one. Those were sacred conversations that bonded us in a way that was so unexpected after 13 years of marriage.

I will always treasure our cemetery talks. I also loved the days the kids and I brought him lunch. We would walk up to his school and see him for a few minutes and visit with his friends and meet his teachers. Since we didn't see him often it was a treat to spend those moments with him. He would always bring us little snacks from the break room...oreos, granola bars, mints, chips and other random snacks. It was such a treat because we were on such a tight budget that those items were a luxury!

About half way through our time in Boston, I felt so forgotten and so alone that even Aric and the kids couldn't touch my pain. I went to the temple with Aric to try and find some answers and feel some comfort. I didn't get anything. I was so angry. I felt like that was my last resort to find some peace and gain some understanding...this was during a time when our house in LL was still sitting there after five long, financially painful months, our renters in AZ broke their lease and destroyed our house, and we still didn't have a job lined up after graduation. We had no income coming in and were watching our savings slip through our hands. I had given up so much to follow this prompting and yet everything was still going sideways. I just couldn't understand it. 

On the way home I just lost it and started to cry and in that moment I started having an angry conversation with Heavenly Father. In my mind I was bitterly expressing my anger and pain, and before I could get to far into my rant, these words came sharply into my mind, "This is a gift." They were crystal clear just as we drove across the Charles River into the city. Again words came into my mind "Jessica, I've given you this gift, don't you see it?" I realized right then that I was letting myself get so caught up in the things that I couldn't control and instead of trusting Him, I was letting myself get so overwhelmed that I couldn't see the gift that He had given me. Living in Boston and being able to share it with Aric and my kids was a gift! A gift to me from my loving Heavenly Father.

After that conversation, I felt so stupid for not recognizing the gift that had been given to me, to us. Of all the places that we could have been sent to for Aric to go to school, God sent us to Boston. A place that I loved so dearly. A place that had family that we could reconnect with. A place full of history and exciting things to do and see. A place with people who He had prepared for us to meet.

Even though we had some of our darkest hours in Boston, we also had some of our greatest experiences that we count among some of our greatest blessings. We each had our own individual experiences that changed us for the better. None of us will ever be the same and for that I am so grateful. As a family we learned how to get through something hard together. On the heels of losing GK, we were all still emotionally fragile and we learned how to grieve together and help each other heal and become stronger people. 

Speaking of healing...one of the girls I met had a baby while I was there. I brought her dinner one night and she handed me her newborn to hold. It was the first time that I had held a baby and didn't have my heart hurt because it was a reminder of my infertility and the plan I had that didn't come to pass. My heart was still, it was only moved by the joy of holding such a fresh spirit who still had the smell of heaven in her hair. It felt amazing.

As a family we also learned how to have more trust in each other and most importantly, how to have more trust in the Lord and recognize his tender mercies. I am forever grateful for the gift I was given to live in Boston and have so many amazing, life changing experiences. As a family we will treasure every moment, even the dark ones, because those are the ones that brought us closer to Christ, and closer as a family.

I know that God has a plan for each of us. I thought I had a testimony of that before but I know it with all my heart now. His hand has brought us this far and he has continued to open doors and provide miracles on our behalf. Although the Boston leg of this journey is over, we are still not quite at the end of this adventure. I am still coming to terms with where we have landed. In the meantime, I will hold onto the lessons learned in Boston, hoping that they will see us through our difficult days here.

Thank You Boston for being my gift and giving me such joy in the midst of so much sorrow. Once again, God sent me to you to help heal me.

Doctrine and Covenants 122:7

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and if the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens father blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

Taking it all in...

There is so much that I need to document and I will get it all posted if it's the last thing I do! But right now I'm trying to process what has happened to us over the past six weeks. So here is a very simple timeline to illustrate what the past 11 months have looked like and why these last six weeks have been particularly trying...

Dec 30, 2011 - We lose GK...Aric's mom.

Jan 5 - Aric goes back to school part time through BYU-Idaho's Pathway program

Mar - We find out about PrepMD, a school in Boston that offers a program to get into the CRM (Cardio Rythym Management) Industry and research it.

April - Aric gets interviewed and accepted into the program. He gives his six weeks notice and leaves his job/career of 12 years. We are still in the middle of our master bathroom remodel! But barely finish it in time for Aric to enjoy it for a week. The house goes on the market. We found an apartment in Boston that was close to his school, in our budget and available the day we needed it! Total miracle.

May 5 - We move most of our belongings out of the house and into a storage unit. Me and the kids will be sleeping on the floor and living with the barest of essentials for the next six weeks...I mean months.

May 9 - I take Aric to Boston and get him settled into the big city then come home.

May 21 - Classes start for Aric. He has tests every week. If he gets below a B two times he gets kicked out of the program...no pressure.

June 9 - After six long and emotionally draining weeks I head out to Boston on the road trip of a lifetime. My car loaded with everything we could possible fit in it...including the children.

June 16 - We arrive in Boston so happy to be reunited with Aric again. Although we were happy to all be under the same roof, the 950 sqft that we were living in took some getting used to.

June /Aug - I filled our days with lots and lots of outings and swimming. Some days were very long and emotional. We were all grieving the loss of our old life and missing our Liberty Lake summer days. We were dealing with the stress of trying to sell the house by owner from Boston. We were adjusting to being unemployed and having no income. We were also being blessed to be spending lots of time with my Aunt Carolyn and Roscoe. We were also blessed to make some very special friendships. So even though things were hard, we still had a lot to be happy about.

Sept - Aric starts interviewing for a jobs. Girls start school...so traumatic for them and me! We start having issues with our tenants in our Arizona house. We accept an offer on our Liberty Lake house that breaks my heart.

Oct 4 - We close on the LL house. Still looking and praying like crazy for a job. Turn in our 30 day notice to our apt complex without having a clue as to where we will be moving to.

Oct 19 - We get a contract and find out we are moving to Utah! We have three weeks to find a place to live in Utah where we will be close to the SLC airport and close to Ogden. Not that easy...Oh and we start coordinating our stuff to be moved from Washington to Utah.

Oct 26 - It's a miracle! We find a place to rent...I ask a friend I haven't seen since high school that lives in the area to go and check it out to make sure it didn't stink and was in a nice neighborhood. She gave us two thumbs up so we took it.

Oct 29 - Find out our tenants in Arizona took off and trashed our house.

Nov 1 - We hire an property manager to take on the rental house, she says she has never seen a house that bad in all her years...stupid, STUPID dishonest people!

Nov 7 - We get a call from Aric's dad who has been traveling in Italy, telling us that his connecting flight got cancelled so he is coming to Boston...that night! He was able to arrange his flights so that he could be there for Aric's graduation.

Nov 9 - Girls last day of school. We pack up our U-Haul trailer. That night Aric graduates with an "A" average from his program and he speaks at his graduation. We have to say goodbye to our beloveds in Boston.

Nov 10 - Aric's dad flies home to Florida that morning and we frantically finish cleaning the apartment and load up the car for our road trip back West.

Nov 13 - After four days on the road (thanks Auntie Jo for the best sleep and best food on the trip) we land in Layton, Utah.

Nov 16 - Our truck with all of our stuff finally arrives...3 days late!

Nov 19 - Girls start school...Maya HATES it...she is still struggling making friends :(

Nov 21 - My brother Ben comes to visit bringing my van that I had to leave behind when we moved to Boston. Our good buddies the Halls come to stay with us through the holiday weekend.

Nov 22 - My two cousins, Monica and Leah come up with their friend Karina and they stay for the weekend as well.

Nov 24 - We celebrate C's birthday. My baby turned 4...be still my heart.

Nov 25 - We put the Christmas trees up...nope, not a typo, we have two trees. We wanted to do that tradition before Aric left.

Nov 27 - Aric leaves for Missouri for 3.5 weeks. Camden starts preschool.

Nov 29 - My parents come to visit.

Dec 2 - I get asked to serve in the Young Women's program at church working with the 16-18 year old girls.

Dec 4 - I'm at my whits end...or maybe my whits are gone all together, I can't really tell. But I got almost all of my Christmas cards addressed and sent. AND I cleared out enough of the garage to park both cars in it!

Besides having no time to sit and blog these past few weeks, I honestly haven't been able to emotionally process everything to even be in a good enough place to post anything! My heart is all over the place. I miss Liberty Lake. I miss Boston. I miss having my own house. I miss Aric. I miss having happy kids who had friends. I miss feeling like myself. I miss GK.

But...

I'm happy Aric has a job. I'm happy I have a place to live that is bigger than a closet. I'm happy that we live in a nice area with nice people. I'm happy that I live closer to my cousins and some of my dearest friends, I've got six buddies within an hour from me! I'm happy that I have a healthy family. I'm happy it's Christmastime. I'm happy that I get to serve in the YW program at church. I'm happy that no matter where I move to, I can go to church and have an instant support system.

Like I said, I'm a mess...bear with me.

Fragile - The Parable of the Sea Glass

Who can see the word "fragile" and not say "FRAH-GEE-LAY" in their mind? I can't. That darn "A Christmas Story" has changed that word for me forever and now I'm changing it for you...Ha, Ha! A little comic relief when I am feeling particularly "frah-gee-lay".

I hate feeling fragile. It makes me feel weak. I hate feeling weak. Writing this right now makes me feel a little uncomfortable but there is a bigger part of me that feels strong, like I'm letting the weakness seep out of me. I need it to seep out, I need it to be gone so I will continue to type...

When I think of something fragile the first thing that comes to my mind is glass. The sound of glass breaking makes me cringe. The mess is the worst! Large pieces and tiny pieces of glass everywhere. No matter how much I sweep or vacuum I am always so worried I didn't get it all. The tiny shard I miss will no doubt get stepped on...by me or worse one of my kids. The giant pieces I am able to grab are full of sharp angles that have to be carefully handled and disposed of as to not cut anyone who accidentally grabs the garbage bag unaware of the dangerous, damaged glass that is inside.

That sound of shattering glass is recognized universally. It's beyond language, like a baby crying, you hear it, and you know exactly what it is. So when your ears hear glass as it hits the hard tile floor, it silences any conversation you may be having. It trumps any other noise around you. It's the sound of something that just moments before was whole, full of purpose, had value and beauty, turn into a glorious mess. In a blink of an eye you have a million pieces of garbage. All the super glue in the world cannot restore it to the perfect form it was before. There will always be cracks, chips and seams. Even if it was worth fixing it will still never be the same. Even if pieced back together by a perfectionist, the cracks are visible which only shows how vulnerable that piece of glass really is. So why bother...the beauty is gone, it's purpose is gone, it is no longer of any value.

Or is it...

After only being here a couple of weeks we were introduced to the fun activity that is called "hunting for sea glass". We were having dinner at some new found friend's house, they live in Hull which is right on the ocean. As we were waiting for dinner, the kids went out to explore and found some very cool pieces of glass. One was a from an old medicine bottle, the others came from who knows what but they were so interesting to look at. Since then we have made sea glass hunting our favorite family activity. We separate, each going in a slightly different course and search in the rocks and sand. Every so often we come together to show each other what treasures we have found. We have found some amazing pieces both big and small, all different shapes and colors. Then we take our pieces home to wash them and take a closer look at each one. We wonder about where each piece came from, how old it is and how far it has traveled. We look for letters and words and google them. We have the glass displayed in different glass containers in our apartment. We all have our favorite pieces. These are some of mine...

The ones that strike me as the most beautiful are the smaller, smooth, thicker pieces. The ones that are cloudy from the years of being scooted across the ocean floor. The ones whose edges that were once jagged and hard, are now smooth and soft. They have been gently tossed across thousands if not, millions of rocks. The moss and dirt have discolored them. The waves themselves have slowly, over time, worn those sharp edges down as if to sculpt them into a stunning piece of art.

So how does this happen? How does something so beautiful, smooth and strong that stands on its own, come from something that was so fragile, so weak?

I have one of the glass containers we have filled with our sea glass sitting on the counter in front of my kitchen sink. I look at it a lot while I'm doing the dishes. My mind wanders as I look at each piece remembering who found which piece and on which trip we got it on. I think about how grateful I am for these special souvenirs my family will always cherish.

The other day I had a very interesting idea come into my mind while admiring the glass with dish pan hands and C at the table making playdough food for Cookie Monster...My shoulders had been particularly heavy with the burdens our life detour has brought us. I had been trying to push away my feeling of fragility but after keeping them at bay for sometime, I began to crack. I tried as hard as I could to keep from shattering completely, realizing that four precious people were counting on me to be strong. I didn't want them or anyone else near me to hear the glass hit the floor and silence their conversations. Thankfully I was able to break in a rather quiet, organized fashion.

There were not millions of tiny pieces everywhere. You'd think it would be a relatively easy and quick clean up because unfortunately, I have been broken before, which means I have been glued back together a few times now. And although I have been through this before it was still hard and painful as every other time. In fact, this time was harder than the others, mainly because my regular clean up crew was thousands of miles away. I had only Aric to try to put me back together and that poor guy has enough on his plate! The last thing he has time for is an emotional wife who needs to be put back together like a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle.

(If I haven't lost you yet, here is where the sea glass finally comes in...)

After a few weeks of trying to be whole again and feeling disappointed with all the attempts made to super glue the pieces back together, I saw all the beautiful pieces of glass on display on my counter. That is when the idea came to me...being whole doesn't mean that I have to be put all back together again like Humpty Dumpty. I have been chasing that dream in circles my whole life! I have been broken since I was a kid. (broken homes tend to produce broken children, because a broken home is really just a regular old house with a bunch of broken people that live in it...at least that's what Dr. Phil says...but that's a WHOLE other blog post) With every trial that has broken me I have just tried to super glue myself back together so that I could appear to be whole. Hoping that people won't notice my cracks and chips. So that I would be accepted by them and so I could accept myself. That was the only way I felt whole, valued and of purpose.

But now....(this is when it gets good)

BUT NOW, I realize I don't need super glue anymore. I am broken and it's okay. (and aren't we all in some way or another for that matter??? Some just have more pieces than others) Instead of trying to fit all those broken pieces together like a jigsaw puzzle, I am going to let them be as they are. This does not mean I will just wallow in in my brokenness or that I will never feel broken again, it just means that I will let the ocean of life, through Christ's atonement, work its miracle in me so that the rough and jagged pieces get smooth and turn into something of worth. Which is another reason I am writing this, so I can remind myself the next time I feel the frustration of trying to keep it all together when the only thing I can really do is just let it go and trust that God does have a plan, and let Christ be my source of comfort when I don't understand it.

I am not, nor can I ever be, a large pristine, perfectly clear glass container that holds the sea glass.

I Am the Sea Glass.

Some of me is pretty well intact, but I am also made up of many different pieces of glass that has been broken, shaped, smoothed and discolored by the trials of my life. I am whole by being what fills the beautiful container that sits on a shelf displayed for the appreciative eye to see. That is what God wants me to be. I realize that some people will walk by that container and wonder, "Is that really just a bunch of old broken glass sitting in a jar?" "Why in the world would anyone display it like that?" And that is fine. Not everyone will see the beauty in it. But for those who will not see broken glass but see art and admire each piece and ponder the story behind each individual one, they will see me...and maybe even catch a glimpse of themselves too.

It's Time

Time is a strange thing. No matter what is happening, good or bad, it just keeps marching on. I have always thought of how unfair it is that as one person's world is crashing, everyone else's keeps going on.

I love the custom that was practiced in the "olden days" of how when someone died they stopped the clock. They covered it with a dark cloth. They pulled the curtains down. It was a perfect way to say, "Hey my world has stopped!" It symbolizes perfectly how it feels when someone you love dies or something tragic has happened or is happening to you.

Sadly I can't pull my shades, or stop time. There are moments that I want to shout from the rooftops "LEAVE US ALONE! WE ARE GRIEVING!" I was so mad that Aric was having to take phone calls and deal with people from work on the day GK died. He would answer his calls, solve the problems and no one on the other end had a clue that his world had stopped. On the other hand there are moments where I want to scream "CALL ME, STOP BY, BRING ME A MEAL! I NEED SOME LOVE!"

Thankfully we have the most incredible support system on the planet. We did have friends constantly calling, texting, and stopping by to offer their love and support.

We had homemade cinnamon rolls, cookies and bread show up which was exactly the thing our souls needed to be soothed.

Another night it was a five pound bag of gummy bears.

We had meals offered and brought over.

Whenever we needed a blessing we were able to ask wonderful friends and family to offer them.

We had many friends offer to take our kids so that Aric and I could have some quiet time to talk and grieve together.

My mom came up and dropped everything so that she could help with the kids and the house while A and I tried to process what had just happened.

When we needed to get out of the house and have a good laugh all we had to do was run across the street to have that need met. (Gotta love having good friends live that close by)

When we needed some space and didn't show up at a function we never had to explain.

When it was time to hit the road for our long trek to ND for the funeral, we had road trip survival bags dropped off.

Honestly the love was overwhelming.

The most amazing thing was the prayers we felt/feel over and over again. There were many days where my patience was non-existent and instead of flying off the handle I was calm...so not normal. Having extra patience with my children and have energy to keep up with life and not freak out, was a direct result of the prayers that were being said on my/our behalf.

I have been reminded once again, how prayer is sometimes the only thing we can do, but the best thing to do. I will listen and follow through with promptings I get from the spirit, as random as they can be, because now I know how much comfort can come from a plate of cinnamon rolls. I will always be humbled when I look back on this time and remember all of the love and support that we have been given and do my best to pay it forward.

I have learned that grief can suck the life out of you. During a normal day we all spend emotional and mental energy to not react to the things that annoy us. But when grief enters our life, then all that energy is now used to just keep going and not turn into a hot mess. So sadly, there is no energy left to be patient and slow to anger. At least this has been my experience. I have discovered that there is this thing that I call a "grief filter". Which is actually an oxymoron because in my everyday life I have a filter that keeps things from flying out of my mouth that shouldn't, well with my grief filter, pretty much if I think it, it comes out. I have realized that I have some pretty forgiving friends because my grief filter was in full effect for a few weeks but now, thankfully, I think I have it under control. I'm sure there are people that keep it all balled up inside and still manage to not have a grief filter, I am not one of those people.

*I make no promises that my grief filter is really gone, so be nice. Don't be annoying but be forgiving*

Please feel free to keep sending some our way because it's only been three weeks since GK passed away. It's still something I am trying to wrap my head around but I know it's time to start living our life again...our new normal has begun. It's weird. It's not normal at all. We go through the motions, we get up everyday and do our regular stuff, get kids off to school, go to work, clean, carpool, do callings (church) but it's different now. There is an underlying grief that is attached to everything we do. Some moments we forget that GK is gone. Eden says "It's like a dream, like it didn't really happen." Some days it feels like that. Other days it's like her absence is everywhere.

Yesterday I was driving Eden to piano and I saw someone drive by who looked like GK with her big sunglasses on, all of the sudden I was sad realizing I will never see her wearing those big ol' glasses again. I'm pretty sure there is no need for sunglasses in heaven...so there it was again, reality, the reality that we will not see her again in this life. I felt sad but then Camden started break dancing and it was gone, mostly gone. I thought about her a lot yesterday as I was on day 2 of my 3 day detox. Eating only fruit and water sucks but it sure does make me appreciate that normally I get to eat what I want, when I want and GK didn't have that luxury at the end of her life and thinking about that made me sad. It also made me want to eat a giant turkey sandwich with chips and a soda in honor of her...but I didn't.

I know that she is aware of those she loves and that makes me happy. I know that she is rejoicing and she wants us to live our lives to the fullest, so that is what we will do. Time did not stop for us, the world just kept going on and now I think we are finally ready to start to catching up with it.

So here's to "Time"...you really should be a bit more sensitive to those of us who need you to stop or at the very least slow down. But since you aren't capable of that, here's to the people that God sends to make the unbearable, bearable while you keep flying by.

To all of those who have prayed, offered and given service, given us hugs, or checked in on us...Thank You, with all of my heart, I thank you. Each of you are a blessing in my life.

I'm feeling it in my bones...

In my college days, I had a little incident where I fell 50 feet while hiking in the snow in Provo Canyon. I miraculously survived with only bruises and some permanent nerve damage in my elbows. Every change of season my elbows ache. It reminds me of what happened.

Right now my elbows are aching, a new season is here.

Another kind of season is upon me and I'm feeling it in my bones...I'm no longer a "young" mom. I don't know when that season officially passed me by, but I am now a mid-30 something mom with school aged and middle school aged children...I'm a "middle" mom. I'm okay with it, for the most part, but I just wish I could hold onto this season and not let it speed by so fast.

For example:

I can't wrap my head around the fact that it's already been a year since we took this picture...

...And now we look like this!

A whole ridiculous year...365 days. 

Three hundred sixty five days filled with what?

laundry, school, soccer, piano, tutoring, church, birthdays, family visits, dishes, lunches, running, projects, traveling...the list goes on and on and on.

Somehow we managed to fill our days so much that I didn't even realize how my children were growing and changing right before my eyes!

I'm intensely aware of it now. In fact so aware that not  a day goes by that I don't feel an ache over noticing a change in one of my kids.

Camden is now potty trained and the sight of his little buns in his big boy undies gives me aches. His verbal skills are a little insane. It's crazy. His new favorite phrase "What the H is going on here?"

Eden is the sweetest space case on this planet. She recognizes that she is and really wants to change. She wants to be more independent and grown up. She is always asking to help whether it's loading the dishwasher, cutting apples or peeling carrots. If only she was that excited to clean her room or do her homework.

Maya is truly blossoming every minute of everyday. She is such a responsible kid. She amazes me with her desire to do the right things and do them on her own. She is a deep thinker and has an understanding of things beyond her years. She is becoming my friend, not just my daughter. I have been waiting for this time to come, as awesome as it is, it's still giving me some achey aches.

Overall, it's not a bad thing. In fact, it's been so good for me to stop and be more present. I want to enjoy this season for all it's worth.

Life Lessons Learned While Potty Training

Back story...I started potty training the second week in September. The girls had just started school and I decided to dedicate all my attention to it. Well the first two days pretty much sucked like I expected they would, we had some success but Camden pretty much decided he wanted to be in control of the situation. He totally knew what he was doing it was so frustrating!

Well my dear friend, Cami, who has the patience of Job, and loves C, and wanted him to live to see his birthday next month, decided to offer the service of all service and take him for two days to re-jump start our potty training. She worked so hard with him and it paid off. I took over on day three and it was still hairy for the next four days, but here we are a week later and my kid is in undies! We have only had two days accident free, but we have entered the Only-Diapers-At-Night phase of life...WHOO HOO! It truly is a miracle. One more experience that has strengthened my kids' testimony of prayer.

So here is what I learned while potty training...

1. Embrace the inevitable...there are times in life that you know that something hard is coming. You see it, you hear it, you feel it deep in your bones. You pretend it isn't going happen, you hope that if you just don't think about it or talk about it, it will just go away. But eventually you have to acknowledge that it is happening and you just have to face it head on.

2. Having high expectations is the fastest way to get disappointed...keep expectations low people.

3. Recognize when you need help, and accept it when it's offered...I hate realizing that I need help, even more I hate asking for help. But sometimes it is necessary to humble ourselves and accept the loving service when it is offered.

4. Accidents happen...things we don't expect or want to happen, will happen without our control. Getting mad just makes people sad and uncomfortable. Learn to go with the flow.

5. Let yourself not just enjoy the little moments but celebrate them...dancing and singing at the top of your lungs is a great way to make an ordinary day pretty awesome.

6. When you make a mess clean it up right away...u have to take responsibility for your mess and don't just do a half way job cleaning it up. Do a thorough, deep clean.

7. Acknowledge your successes...it's so easy to go through an entire day and feel like you have done nothing of real worth, but there are so many little triumphs everyday that are so easily overlooked.

8. Find what motivates you...we all lack motivation from time to time. It's important to find out what will push you and keep you moving forward. From exercise to scripture study, I need motivation. It changes depending on what is going on in my life. (Found out today that Aric and I are taking a trip to Hawaii next month so that will be motivating my exercise!)

9. Patience is a virtue worth developing...this will be a life long quest for me. For me being patient means I am giving up control over something. I like having control of my life and relationships. I don't like waiting for things. What I have learned is that being patient will always be hard for me, but when I can be it is so much better.

10. Don't ever give up!...It's so easy to throw in the towel and say "FORGET IT!" But you have to remember all the hard work you've done and the waste that it would be to let it all go. Just the idea of starting over should be enough to stay focused on the goal.

(One of C's prizes for going potty were these "super hero" wrist bands. Thank you Dollar Store for having such fantastic treasures!) 

I am beyond happy that my boy is potty trained. When Aric and I decided to adopt, one of the first things that went through my mind was "Oh Crap! I have to potty train another human!" To say I have been dreading this task is an understatement. But now it is done. It truly is a bittersweet moment. I am grateful that I won't have to do this again, but in the exact same moment there is a sadness realizing that I will never have a baby again...until C poops his pants and then I remember that it really is a good thing.

Paused...

What I love about the gospel of Jesus Christ is that it is NEVER changing. His law, is THE law. Obeying God's commandments is the only way to have real joy and peace in this life. And when we do what he asks the blessings we get are so far greater than we ever deserve...

Clearly I'm not so great at being perfect. (just go read my post from a couple of weeks ago...btw, thanks for all the love on that one:p) Thankfully God doesn't expect us to be. He just wants us to be making our best efforts to do his will by keeping his commandments. (see I am learning)

One of the commandments that I work really hard at is keeping the Sabbath Day holy. Besides going to church, I make every effort to treat this day differently from any other day of the week. I don't go shopping. I work on family history. I watch programs that are geared towards Christ and family (thank you BYU channel for making this easy for me and my kids). I try to read only material that is focused on Christ and His teachings. I also will only play music that is uplifting and Christ centered. These things aren't hard for me (unless the Red Sox are playing and then I will sneak a peek at the score after the kids are in bed). The sweet spirit that comes into my home because I make those efforts is worth the worldly sacrifices.

I don't judge anyone else who doesn't do these things, I just know that this works for me. I need this day every week to really check in with my Heavenly Father. The other six days are so busy that just getting my daily prayers and scripture study in takes a huge amount of effort. So Sunday I give it to Him.

Most Sundays aren't super reverent by any means. Getting three kids ready for church and then sitting with them for an hour during our family service can be anything but reverent. Then after that service I get to teach the 18mos to 3yr olds for two hours. (I am the Nursery Leader in my ward. I have 30 children and 3 classes with 9 adults that I am responsible for) This is not play time people. This is teaching time. It is work and requires lots of love and patience. Not a ton of reverence but lots of blessings.

So here is where this post is going...

This Sunday I am all alone. Aric is in Oregon with the kids at my mom's for "Grandparents Week O' Fun" (aka: "fun for kids and that's about it" week). I was supposed to go but I was really feeling overwhelmed with life (tutoring all summer, lots of company, two big trips back to back, school starting two days after we get back, Maya going to middle school, Camden...need I say more...actually yes, I do need to say more, but I am saving that for the next post, Eden being swallowed up by the middle child syndrome, my lack of acceptance that I really am in the next stage of life...parent of pre-teenager, etc...)So Aric lovingly rearranged his schedule and took my place (my sister and I take turns staying there for half the week to keep the chaos somewhat in control).

When he first told me he would go I was in shock. I was in the middle of loading the washer when he casually said he would do it. I literally started to cry over my agitating washer. I was a little startled by my own reaction. Why in the world was I crying about this? 

At first it was because I was so happy and then it was because I felt so guilty for feeling so happy. Then I felt so loved by Aric for doing this for me that all of the sudden I felt totally undeserving. Then I was scared because maybe he wasn't being serious and I was still going to have to go!

He told me this the night before I was supposed to leave. After the kids went to bed I sat him down and asked him if he was really being serious and he told me that he could rearrange his schedule and that he knew I needed this so it wasn't a big deal.

WASN'T A BIG DEAL!!!!!! 

This was a dream come true for me! The greatest Mother's Day, Birthday, Christmas, Anniversary gift he could ever give me. Six days in my house without the kids. 

*Not because I don't adore each of my children. They literally are my life...24/7...12 months a year. No day care to take them to. No office to escape to. My home is my office. I mean no disrespect to working mom's, that is a whole different kind of stress. I'm only trying to paint a nice picture of why this break was so precious to me.*

Aric and I have gone on vacations and I have a weekend every year that I get away for a little retreat, but to be in my house to get all the things done that I can never get around to doing is awesome! But even more than that is that, I have some serious time to reflect and get myself back on track. I had been running on fumes and now my tank is full and it's only been two days alone! My house is eerily still and a little too quiet for my liking, but I am using every moment thoughtfully. In fact right after they left on Friday afternoon I made a list of all the things I wanted to do while I had the house to myself (BTW..Aric gets home Monday night). 

Here is a sampling of that list:

Organize Guest Closet

Revamp the basement playing area

Paint kids bathroom and vanity

Reupholster two chairs

Get school shopping done

Organize my closet

Make garage functional again

Organize junk drawer #2 that used to hold Camden's bottles and such

Go through kids clothes

Make Maya a new scripture bag

Mend the stuff in the "mend pile"

You get the picture. Lots of random stuff that I just can't find the time to do on any given day. Well, I have to admit it was tempting to use today as a "get-a-ton-of-stuff-accomplished" day. But then I realized how many "soul projects" I could do instead. And being that it is the Sabbath and all, I decided to use today as the perfect opportunity to dejunk my soul and really have a reverent Sunday.

I had already made arrangements for a sub for my class so I went to my sister's church service. I got up listened to my church music, watched a morning devotional on the BYU channel, got ready for church, got to church early, and sat there in peace. As I watched the families filing in, I missed Aric and my kids. Although, it was amazing how much I got out of the meeting since I wasn't refereeing the girl's or dealing with C. 

Afterwards I went to the adult Sunday School class which was awesome. The lesson was on tithing and it made me think about all the blessings I have in my life because Aric and I tithe. I got to bear my testimony of it with grown ups and it felt great. Then I went to the women's class which was interesting. I liked the subject (temples), but I have to admit I was missing my crazy little class. 


My nursery class may not be the optimal place you would want to be to ponder or meditate, but I can promise you that the Spirit of God is in that class in abundance! He loves those little people and he wants them to be taught his gospel. Even if our lessons are only five minutes long those children are feeling the spirit and they are being taught. Our music time is my favorite and I feel the spirit every week when I teach the children songs about Heavenly Father and Jesus. Today I missed that :(

When I got home I did some family history research and then checked in with A and the kids. Which brings me to this moment, to this post. 

I needed this pause in my daily grind for many reasons, but the most important reason was that I need some alone time with God. I needed to spend some quality time with reacquainting myself with my Savior. I needed to keep the Sabbath Day holy and not give into my projecting impulse. Because I chose to honor the Sabbath...I have been shown my weaknesses. I have been called to repentance. I have been shown who to serve and how to serve them. I have been shown a better way to run my household. I have felt forgiveness and love. I know I wouldn't have had this experience, to this magnitude, had I not been observing the Sabbath so fully.

I know this feeling won't last. I will have to push the un-pause button in a few days, but I know how better to find it when I start losing it again. I'm so grateful for Aric recognizing how desperately I needed this. I know the spirit nudged him and thankfully he responded to the prompting. This is the first time I have ever been alone in my house for any real length of time. I know that this is not something I can ask for every year. But I do know now that I do need this, and even if it's for only a day or two I will ask for it and I will use that time wisely and make sure to give a chunk of it to God.

So now I am going to go for a walk, do some more reflecting and get myself geared up for tomorrow and all the projects that await me.

I had to post a picture of this dress I got yesterday for $12 at Macy's! I hate taking a picture of myself with a self timer so this is as good as it gets.