Friday, January 27, 2012

It's Time

Time is a strange thing. No matter what is happening, good or bad, it just keeps marching on. I have always thought of how unfair it is that as one person's world is crashing, everyone else's keeps going on.

I love the custom that was practiced in the "olden days" of how when someone died they stopped the clock. They covered it with a dark cloth. They pulled the curtains down. It was a perfect way to say, "Hey my world has stopped!" It symbolizes perfectly how it feels when someone you love dies or something tragic has happened or is happening to you.

Sadly I can't pull my shades, or stop time. There are moments that I want to shout from the rooftops "LEAVE US ALONE! WE ARE GRIEVING!" I was so mad that Aric was having to take phone calls and deal with people from work on the day GK died. He would answer his calls, solve the problems and no one on the other end had a clue that his world had stopped. On the other hand there are moments where I want to scream "CALL ME, STOP BY, BRING ME A MEAL! I NEED SOME LOVE!"

Thankfully we have the most incredible support system on the planet. We did have friends constantly calling, texting, and stopping by to offer their love and support.

We had homemade cinnamon rolls, cookies and bread show up which was exactly the thing our souls needed to be soothed.

Another night it was a five pound bag of gummy bears.

We had meals offered and brought over.

Whenever we needed a blessing we were able to ask wonderful friends and family to offer them.

We had many friends offer to take our kids so that Aric and I could have some quiet time to talk and grieve together.

My mom came up and dropped everything so that she could help with the kids and the house while A and I tried to process what had just happened.

When we needed to get out of the house and have a good laugh all we had to do was run across the street to have that need met. (Gotta love having good friends live that close by)

When we needed some space and didn't show up at a function we never had to explain.

When it was time to hit the road for our long trek to ND for the funeral, we had road trip survival bags dropped off.

Honestly the love was overwhelming.

The most amazing thing was the prayers we felt/feel over and over again. There were many days where my patience was non-existent and instead of flying off the handle I was not normal. Having extra patience with my children and have energy to keep up with life and not freak out, was a direct result of the prayers that were being said on my/our behalf.

I have been reminded once again, how prayer is sometimes the only thing we can do, but the best thing to do. I will listen and follow through with promptings I get from the spirit, as random as they can be, because now I know how much comfort can come from a plate of cinnamon rolls. I will always be humbled when I look back on this time and remember all of the love and support that we have been given and do my best to pay it forward.

I have learned that grief can suck the life out of you. During a normal day we all spend emotional and mental energy to not react to the things that annoy us. But when grief enters our life, then all that energy is now used to just keep going and not turn into a hot mess. So sadly, there is no energy left to be patient and slow to anger. At least this has been my experience. I have discovered that there is this thing that I call a "grief filter". Which is actually an oxymoron because in my everyday life I have a filter that keeps things from flying out of my mouth that shouldn't, well with my grief filter, pretty much if I think it, it comes out. I have realized that I have some pretty forgiving friends because my grief filter was in full effect for a few weeks but now, thankfully, I think I have it under control. I'm sure there are people that keep it all balled up inside and still manage to not have a grief filter, I am not one of those people.

*I make no promises that my grief filter is really gone, so be nice. Don't be annoying but be forgiving*

Please feel free to keep sending some our way because it's only been three weeks since GK passed away. It's still something I am trying to wrap my head around but I know it's time to start living our life again...our new normal has begun. It's weird. It's not normal at all. We go through the motions, we get up everyday and do our regular stuff, get kids off to school, go to work, clean, carpool, do callings (church) but it's different now. There is an underlying grief that is attached to everything we do. Some moments we forget that GK is gone. Eden says "It's like a dream, like it didn't really happen." Some days it feels like that. Other days it's like her absence is everywhere.

Yesterday I was driving Eden to piano and I saw someone drive by who looked like GK with her big sunglasses on, all of the sudden I was sad realizing I will never see her wearing those big ol' glasses again. I'm pretty sure there is no need for sunglasses in there it was again, reality, the reality that we will not see her again in this life. I felt sad but then Camden started break dancing and it was gone, mostly gone. I thought about her a lot yesterday as I was on day 2 of my 3 day detox. Eating only fruit and water sucks but it sure does make me appreciate that normally I get to eat what I want, when I want and GK didn't have that luxury at the end of her life and thinking about that made me sad. It also made me want to eat a giant turkey sandwich with chips and a soda in honor of her...but I didn't.

I know that she is aware of those she loves and that makes me happy. I know that she is rejoicing and she wants us to live our lives to the fullest, so that is what we will do. Time did not stop for us, the world just kept going on and now I think we are finally ready to start to catching up with it.

So here's to "Time" really should be a bit more sensitive to those of us who need you to stop or at the very least slow down. But since you aren't capable of that, here's to the people that God sends to make the unbearable, bearable while you keep flying by.

To all of those who have prayed, offered and given service, given us hugs, or checked in on us...Thank You, with all of my heart, I thank you. Each of you are a blessing in my life.


Nurse Graham said...

You have such a way with words. I love how you post so honestly, especially about hard things. You're right...time does go on but that doesn't mean that you can't take things at your own pace.

Lindsey said...

Blessing you with Time. Love you.

Cami said...

Love that you are back home to us...always around if you need anything. You are ready to move on..toxins all fluched out and ready to face the world with baby steps. love you guys

Lauren in GA said...

This post was so poignant. I agree with Nurse Graham. You have a lovely way with words. What you said about time having to march on because in this day and age we don't, "stop time" they way they did in days of old really made me think.

I am grateful that you wrote this post. I learned a great deal from it. I often don't know what to do to help someone as they are grieving. I am often fearful that I will come across as trite whey I try to say or do something. I am grateful that you shared that even a bag of gummy bears can help you feel buoyed up.

I wish I could stop time. I am glad you have such a lovely support group. If I lived there I would kidnap your kids and force you and Aric to go see a silly, light-hearted movie. I know that your hearts are still raw...and I'm sorry for that.

kthom said...

If it wasn't for the hundreds of miles between us I totally would have made you cinnamon rolls. I've checked your blog a few times and have thought about your sweet family these past few weeks. I'm glad you're back home and have such an amazing group of friends. And, can I just say that a darling family photo, everyone is smiling and natural! Love and support to you from the west side!

Melissa-Mc said...

I'm sooooo sorry! Time continues to march on and not wait for mourners. I swear it is speeding up on us. Sending hugs and prayers your way.