Monday, August 24, 2009

Dealing With It

With all the birthday fun, painting projects and family visits it's overwhelming to think of all the posts that are still yet to be written. I was going to get started on them but I have some stuff I need to vent first.
Here's the thing. Life can be hard. I don't know anyone who has it easy. Some people are more private about their trials so we don't know what is going on. I happen to not be so private. In fact I worry that I am too open sometimes. But I spent most of my life keeping things to myself. I put on a happy face and submerged myself in other peoples problems to escape my own. Not so healthy.
So now as an adult I prefer to be more open and honest. Somehow it doesn't feel so heavy when I know that other people get me, and support me. It doesn't change the trial, it just helps me endure it better. Much more healthy.
Like I've mentioned before, I am no stranger to hard times. I think Heavenly Father blessed me with the gift of faith. I have always been able to find peace in knowing He is there and He has a plan. I don't ever doubt that. What I struggle with is knowing what my part is in fixing or resolving the issue. I try so hard to listen to the spirit and let it guide my path. I act on the inspiration that I feel, but then question what I did, and wonder if it was really inspired. I also struggle with the "why?". If I know why something is happening then I can deal with it better.
But what I have learned is that with some trials, there are no answers for the "why?"...for example...
Why did we get stuck with a horrible adoption agency who is dishonest and uses babies to make money?
Seriously if you know of anyone, especially in the Utah area...tell them to stay clear from the "All For Love" adoption agency. Their name is very similar to the LDS church's agency which is "All About Love". They are sneaky and they prey on vulnerable adoptive couples. They are legitimate enough to place a baby legally, but they bully parents into paying up the wazoo for services they don't provide. I could go on and on but I won't.
Why do we live in a state with insane paternity laws?
We would be better off in any other state in the union. Just because a guy is able to procreate does not make him a father. (So that was the nicest way I could say that. The truth is I wanted to say something way more inappropriate, but I know my mom reads this and I don't want her to blush.)
Why does my mother in law have cancer?                          
She has always been healthy and taken care of herself. This amazing woman would walk in a  North Dakota blizzard in 30 below wind chill just to get exercise. Seriously, there are people who drink and smoke and eat horrible and yet they dodge the cancer bullet. IT MAKES NO SENSE!
So this is what I have been struggling with lately. Then I went to a counseling session with my mom....whole other post....where our counselor read me a scripture. It was in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
"Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;
Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted of God."
I'm sure I have read those verses before but never had they made so much sense. When Heavenly Father asks us to go through hard things it is so that we can develop a sanctified sensitivity. So that when someone is suffering, we can offer the comfort that only comes from knowing that kind of pain.
I know he was inspired to share this scripture with me. It doesn't take any of my pain away but it helps me understand my suffering. I have been blessed with amazing friends and family that have been a huge support to me. But none of them know what this feels like. I would love to have someone to talk to and cry with, that gets this kind of pain. My sister so lovingly pointed out that I do have someone. That someone is Christ. He knows my pain, he knows how I can't sleep at night, he knows the fears that I have. I am grateful for his comfort and hope that one day I will be able to comfort someone in the same way that he has comforted me.
In the goes on.
Babies need to be fed:

Kids need to go swimming:

Flowers need to be smelled:

Cakes need to be made for fun family functions:IMG_5207

Family vacations need to be had:

And old friends need to come for a visit and bring cute kids that are exactly the same ages as my kids:
(Jen and I met in high school, her friendship has gotten me through some of my darkest days. She just moved from Boston to Utah because her husband is the new associate conductor for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Yeah pretty sweet huh.)
Cute kids acting out the parable of the "four" virgins...
...and sweet boys who don't cooperate with cameras.

So basically what I'm saying is this... I've had some rough days lately, which is one of the reasons I haven't blogged. But the good always out weighs the bad. Everyday is a choice to be frustrated and sad or hopeful and happy. Today I choose happy, I hope you do too.


Erin said...

Awwwwww...that was wonderful. Perfect really. PERFECT.

Melissa-Mc said...

I love the picture of Camden's fishy lips. The picture with you husband and kids looks curiously like the Space Needle. It's hard to understand why sometimes and what we are suppose to learn from it all. You have amazing faith.

The Hansen Clan said...

Great post Jess... remember that I love you and your family. You are amazing.

Lindsey said...

I know, I know.. . I totally feel ya. And I would go through blogging slumps where I would think. . what on earth can I say? I have nothing good/worthwhile to say!! It is tough. . but I am glad you are letting us love you through it. :)

the wrath of khandrea said...

my therapist just recommended a book to me to teach me how to choose to be happy in spite of adversity. it's called "bonds that make us free" by c. t. warner.

check it out. i'm only on chapter 2, but it seems promising.

and i love your friend because she is from boston.

Natalie said...

You have no idea how much we are the same. Only i am an unhealthy (keep too quiet in blog-land), and you vent. I just adore you. I am so inspired by you and hope that you know that. The other day i did something that i usually just think about doing and have never dared to actually do, and i thought to myself, 'Jessica would do this, what i am doing. She is so brave and fun. and now so am i.' Cheesy? yes. But true. Yea for you, yea for counselors, and amen to everything that you said!

calibosmom said...

Just you posting this is a huge comfort to me. Thank you for reminding me of that scripture. Today, I too choose to be happy! By the way, we heart you too! Love the tunes, love Aric's plaid shorts, love Seattle, love the cakes (do a I see a business venture soon?), love your vent of wisdom!

Cristy said...

Jessica unfortunately I know exactly how you feel, one of my dearest aunts is dealing with cancer as I write, and I have all the same questions, why, why, why??? She too is a christian and lives life "right" and is a wonderful addition to our society, yet she is suffering so much. I too take comfort in knowing our Heavenly Father is watching over all of us, and is here for us, even when He feels so far away, as it states, "he will not forsake us," that is my comfort right now. Praying for you and your mother-in-law, and thinking of you in your grief.


Jean McKendrick said...

Cute pictures of you and Jennifer (and kids)!!
Thanks for sharing your trials/faith with the rest of us.
You are truly amazing!

nurse graham said...

Great family pictures. I am truly sorry that you are still having to go through so much grief with the adoption agency. I will be praying that this trial will soon end for you and you will be stronger for enduring.

Lauren in GA said...

What a great example of faith you are. I love that you choose happy.

Sorry that ceritan things have been rough.

You have a beautiful family. This was a wise and wonderful post, Jessica.

Leah said...

You are a doll. I think all these things are preparing you for being an amazing RS pres someday. It is amazing how trials give us SO much compassion as you said. I think the Savior's compassion for us is so very strong because of His trials. You are loved.

Elena said...

This is your best post ever Jess. You are totally right on! The older I get, the more I see that because of all the ugly stuff I've (we've) survived it has helped me to help other of Heavenly Father's children who need someone with empathy who "get's it" because they have & survived whatever he/she/they're going through. You know I love you,but I will tell you anyway. I LOVE YOU! xoxo

mahina said...

thank you! you always have a way of boosting me up with your open honesty! your faith helps strengthen me! i need to choose happy more often!

my blog has suffered too lately! hopefully i will get back on track now that the kids stared school last week! that will be my next post, i hope....

just the five of us said...

You are one of the strongest women I know! You are my example! Keep your chin up:) Love you, J