Here's the thing. Life can be hard. I don't know anyone who has it easy. Some people are more private about their trials so we don't know what is going on. I happen to not be so private. In fact I worry that I am too open sometimes. But I spent most of my life keeping things to myself. I put on a happy face and submerged myself in other peoples problems to escape my own. Not so healthy.
So now as an adult I prefer to be more open and honest. Somehow it doesn't feel so heavy when I know that other people get me, and support me. It doesn't change the trial, it just helps me endure it better. Much more healthy.
Like I've mentioned before, I am no stranger to hard times. I think Heavenly Father blessed me with the gift of faith. I have always been able to find peace in knowing He is there and He has a plan. I don't ever doubt that. What I struggle with is knowing what my part is in fixing or resolving the issue. I try so hard to listen to the spirit and let it guide my path. I act on the inspiration that I feel, but then question what I did, and wonder if it was really inspired. I also struggle with the "why?". If I know why something is happening then I can deal with it better.
But what I have learned is that with some trials, there are no answers for the "why?"...for example...
Why did we get stuck with a horrible adoption agency who is dishonest and uses babies to make money?
Seriously if you know of anyone, especially in the Utah area...tell them to stay clear from the "All For Love" adoption agency. Their name is very similar to the LDS church's agency which is "All About Love". They are sneaky and they prey on vulnerable adoptive couples. They are legitimate enough to place a baby legally, but they bully parents into paying up the wazoo for services they don't provide. I could go on and on but I won't.
Why do we live in a state with insane paternity laws?
We would be better off in any other state in the union. Just because a guy is able to procreate does not make him a father. (So that was the nicest way I could say that. The truth is I wanted to say something way more inappropriate, but I know my mom reads this and I don't want her to blush.)
Why does my mother in law have cancer?
She has always been healthy and taken care of herself. This amazing woman would walk in a North Dakota blizzard in 30 below wind chill just to get exercise. Seriously, there are people who drink and smoke and eat horrible and yet they dodge the cancer bullet. IT MAKES NO SENSE!
So this is what I have been struggling with lately. Then I went to a counseling session with my mom....whole other post....where our counselor read me a scripture. It was in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
"Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;
Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted of God."
I'm sure I have read those verses before but never had they made so much sense. When Heavenly Father asks us to go through hard things it is so that we can develop a sanctified sensitivity. So that when someone is suffering, we can offer the comfort that only comes from knowing that kind of pain.
I know he was inspired to share this scripture with me. It doesn't take any of my pain away but it helps me understand my suffering. I have been blessed with amazing friends and family that have been a huge support to me. But none of them know what this feels like. I would love to have someone to talk to and cry with, that gets this kind of pain. My sister so lovingly pointed out that I do have someone. That someone is Christ. He knows my pain, he knows how I can't sleep at night, he knows the fears that I have. I am grateful for his comfort and hope that one day I will be able to comfort someone in the same way that he has comforted me.
In the meantime....life goes on.
Babies need to be fed:
Kids need to go swimming:
Flowers need to be smelled:
Family vacations need to be had:
And old friends need to come for a visit and bring cute kids that are exactly the same ages as my kids:
Cute kids acting out the parable of the "four" virgins...
...and sweet boys who don't cooperate with cameras.
So basically what I'm saying is this... I've had some rough days lately, which is one of the reasons I haven't blogged. But the good always out weighs the bad. Everyday is a choice to be frustrated and sad or hopeful and happy. Today I choose happy, I hope you do too.