For S.

On the eve of the anniversary of one of the most amazing days of my life, (go here to be reminded) I have to stop and reflect on all that has passed. It's hard to believe how far we've come. I have composed so many posts in my head about how life changing and amazing our journey has been. From the years of infertility, to the moment we decided to adopt, to the moment he was placed in our arms...I have tried to process it all but I don't think it will ever really all sink in. Even now I pause everyday because something triggers an emotion or a memory that causes me to reflect on the journey that we took to get Camden into our family.

The thing I think about most, is our birth mom. I know her name, it starts with an S. This post is going to be deep and personal. I'm feeling a little exposed already, but I gave our birthmom my blog address the day we got Camden and maybe, just maybe, she will read this and I need her to know these things. So this is for her...

Dearest S.,

I have written or talked to you so many times in my mind. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Camden looks exactly like you. The older he gets the more I see you. His eyes especially...they are definitely yours. When I look at those giant brown eyes I feel gratitude, sorrow and joy, mostly joy...all at the same time.

I feel gratitude for my knowledge of God. That he is a loving Father who loves each of us deeply. He held both of our hands through our own separate trials of grief and pain. He brought us together so that both of our hearts could be healed and that we could both find peace.

I will never forget the first time I saw you. Even now I see your face so clearly. Your spirit was bigger than your body...something else Camden inherited from you...I felt your strength. It helped keep me together. I was so worried that I would say something wrong. I knew our time together would be short and I chose my words carefully just to make sure that you knew how grateful we were. I wanted to assure you that you made the right choice. I wanted you to feel our love so deeply that it would always be a part of you, as your love will always be a part of us. Your voice is also recorded in my mind, the phrase I hear most is "...now I have peace."

Another thing I remember you saying is "...he will grow up with snow!, I've never seen real snow." Here is a picture so you can see him in "real" snow.

I am grateful for you.

I feel sad when I think of how you must have felt all those months being pregnant wondering how things would all work out. I hate thinking of you alone in the hospital when you gave birth, I wish I could've been there for you and for Camden. When I watched you walk out the door, knowing that would be the last time I would probably see you in this life, there was a part of my heart that was breaking. I can only imagine what that moment was like for you, I hope you know that I was aware. As joyful as that moment was for me to have you place Camden in our arms, I was so aware of how painful that must have been for you. I know that it is possible to feel peace and pain at the same time and I ached for you.

I feel joy every time I hear C's feet run across the floor...every time I hear him laugh, talk, or sing, I smile. Every day at nap time we lay in his giant bean bag and I read four books to him, one of them has to be "Llama Llama Red Pajama". The best is when he "reads" it by himself. Here are some pictures that capture Camden's hilarious personality and bring me so much joy. I hope they bring joy to you...

I wonder if 20 years from now I will still have these feelings as strongly as I do now. I pray that I will. I don't want to ever forget how it felt to be with you, it truly felt like we stepped out of this world for some time and experienced the peace that only heaven can provide. I hope you have continued to pursue your education. I hope that your other son is doing well and that he is getting the proper medical attention that he needs. Most of all I hope that the peace that you felt that day is still with you.

I want you to know that Aric and I have kept our promise. We are doing our very best to give Camden the best life he could have.

We adore him.

His sisters adore him.

His extended family adores him.

He has more friends than any two year old I have ever met. He is healthy and happy. We are teaching him that he is a child of God and that God has a special plan for him.

When he is old enough to understand, we will teach him about you. He will know how deeply you love him. He will know how strong, beautiful and courageous you are. He will know how truly blessed he is to have two mother's who love him with all their hearts.

This song comes to my mind from time to time and the lyrics move me every single time.

"If you chose to tell him, and if he wants to know, how the one who gave him life could bear to let him go. Just tell him there were sleepless nights I prayed and paced the floors, and knew the only peace I'd find was if this child were yours...

So maybe you can tell your baby, when you love him so that he's been loved before, by someone who delivered your son, from God's arms, to my arms to yours.

Now I know that you don't have to do this, but could you kiss him once for me, the first time that he ties his shoes or falls and skins his knee. And could you hold him twice as long when he makes his mistakes and tell him that he's not alone, sometime's that's all it takes...I know how much he'll ache.

This may not be the answer for another girl like me. And I'm not on a soapbox saying how we all should be. I'm just trusting in my feelings, and I'm trusting God above. And I'm trusting you can give our baby both his mother's love."

I want you to know that I do kiss him twice, once for you and once for me. I do hold him twice as long, and always will. I am doing my best to give him "both his mother's love".

Thank you for following your heart. Thank you for having the faith and courage to trust me and Aric. You are never far from my thoughts and you are always in my prayers.

With So Much Love,

j