Confessions of an imperfect perfectionist

Being a perfectionist while being totally imperfect sucks. I hate being a perfectionist. I'm not sure when I became one. All I know is that I have been trying to let go of this part of my personality and it is not easy. I'm not even sure it is possible.

I don't expect other people to be perfect, just myself. Certain people in my life I do have high expectations of, but in the end I am forgiving of their short comings. I'm not so kind with myself.

(Just to keep things real. Here is a very imperfect picture of me. I didn't even do a mother's day post because all the pictures of me were hideous. But since I'm working on overcoming my perfectionism, I am throwing this one out there.)

My house is not perfect. There is always something that needs to be cleaned or organized. I go to sleep every night thinking about what I didn't get done that day and what I need to do the next day. I hate that it takes my kids 30 seconds to destroy a days worth of work for me. Everyday I struggle with letting go of my anger about the piano books on the floor and the milk being left out on the counter.

My body is not perfect. This is a battle that I have been waging since I was in seventh grade. SEVENTH GRADE! I am so over letting my body issues dictate my mood. Some days I am great at accepting this body of mine. Thick thighs and all. Other days not so much and I have to work very hard to be at peace with it. Being swim suit season is making it harder than usual.

My parenting is not perfect. Sometimes I'm too hard and sometimes I'm too lenient. Everyday I am seeking a balance. Each child is at a different developmental stage so the expectations have to be different. Keeping up with their needs is exhausting.

My wife skills are lacking. I expect a lot from Aric and I try not to get annoyed with his lack of cleaning and organizing skills but he is great at so many other things I need to chill. He is the only one that is allowed to see all of my imperfections and yet I have a hard time looking over his weaknesses.

My personal relationship with God is a roller coaster. I get lazy and don't do my scripture study everyday. My morning prayers are hit and miss. I try to serve others but sometimes I'm picky about who and what I do.

My projects, painting, sewing, upholstering, jewelry making, writing, etc...take longer than necessary because they have to be perfect. Even when I feel like I have done my best it is still so hard to look at the finished product and be satisfied. I know where a seam is crooked, or where a brush stroke isn't straight and it drives me nuts!

Literally, every conversation, weighs on me because I want to make sure it is "perfect". I want to make sure my words truthfully match how I feel. I want to be authentic. I hate being fake. I truly can't do it. It's tricky because in some situations it would be better if I could be fake. I worry that this makes me a bad friend sometimes because my close friends hear my thoughts and opinions unfiltered.

It's so ridiculous because on one hand I want the world to know that I am imperfect. I don't want anyone to think bad about themselves because they are comparing themselves to me. I hate feeling less than perfect and I don't want anyone to beat themselves up the way I do.

I've already seen these perfectionist tendencies in Eden and it worries me. I'm trying my best to teach her how to let things go. How to do her best and be happy with that. There will always be someone smarter, more talented, prettier, skinner, more organized, etc...if I can get her to realize that, then she will be a much happier person the rest of her life.

Great advice huh. So now I am trying to practice what I preach. It's Not Easy. I had a moment last week that gave me some perspective.

Eden and I were clashing...seriously clashing. Like bumper cars crashing. My patience was already thin due to the messy house and company that was coming. I erupted and yelled...I felt the spirit try to hold me back. I literally heard the words in my mind, "don't leave this room" (I was in the laundry room, Eden was on the stairs complaining and fitting), I chose to ignore them and went after her. She got a talking to like no other. No swearing or name calling just yelling. Ugly face yelling.

When it was over she was in her room crying. I stormed back to the laundry room and started to cry myself. I went up and talked to her. I told her I was sorry and explained why I was so angry, part of it was her but mostly it was me. We had a good talk and she quickly forgave me.

Later that night I had a conversation with Heavenly Father. I told him about how I hate failing as a parent and that I am not cut out for this job. It was just one more thing that I wasn't perfect at.

The next day while I was running, I heard Him speak to my heart through the spirit. I know that this may sound strange to some people but I know that God speaks to us. We can receive personal revelation. We just have to be open to hear His voice. I poured out my heart and he answered. He told me that he gave me the children I was supposed to have. As badly as I wanted more children and have my children closer in age, he knew me better. He knew that he didn't give the skills and patience needed to have more children and that was okay. My skills lie elsewhere.

This revelation was bittersweet for me. Yay that Heavenly Father knows me and took time to speak to me. Nay that I don't have the skills that other women have to mother more children. Yay that Heavenly Father accepts and loves me and doesn't expect me to be perfect. He knew what he made when he made me.

The spirit also helped me realize that being imperfect doesn't mean that I am failing. There are a few grades between A and F, and thankfully we are graded on overall performance.

Today's grades looked like this...

House...B-. I was going to give myself an A because it's the Sabbath so I don't stress about it as long as the dishes get done it's all good. But then I remembered getting after my girls because there were SIX wet towels on the floor in their bathroom. SIX. I was firm but not mean.

Body...A. I didn't even wear my spanx. I just wanted to be comfortable.

Parenting...B-. I made sure we were all ready for church in plenty of time so there was no stress. We had enough time that we could leisurely walk to the chapel instead of speed walk. We had good conversation and everyone was good at church. I took Eden with me to take dinner to a family who just had a baby and we had got lost but enjoyed our time together. I didn't watch shark week with them instead I worked on this blog post. That wasn't so good.

Wifey Responsibilities...C. I started dinner but Aric did most of it. We haven't had a chance to talk much today. I had him get up and get C breakfast so I could stay in bed. I am still working on this post instead of hanging out with him.

Spiritual Stuff...B. I didn't do my morning prayers but I made sure to listen to hymns as I got ready. I gave my lesson about how Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us to my nursery kiddos. I will read my scriptures and pray before I go to bed.

So all in all, today I give myself a B- and I'm okay with that.

I could pick my day apart even more and find the little things that I could have done better but I'm not. Instead I am going to end this post and go help Aric with the dishes.