Sunday, November 23, 2014

And...We have a pulse! The blog is not dead!

So this blog has been in a coma for many a reason...but I've clumped them up into these two categories...

First I haven't had time! Between moving, Aric being gone all the time, a demanding calling, working, volunteering, advocating for dyslexia and trying to be a present parent, my spare time has become very sparse and when I have it, I feel like I'm so far behind and I have so much to say that it's pointless to even try to put a post together because it would take hours...and I HATE starting something I can't finish.

Second, I've been too depressed. Seriously, my life has been such a roller coaster the last 3.5 years and unfortunately I LOATHE roller I would rather drop a hammer on my foot over and over again than be on a 2 minute roller coaster ride and this one is still not over. I'm all about being real and not sugar coating anything that I put on my blog, there is enough false advertising out there in blogland, but at the same time I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer and fill up my posts with lame, negative stuff...besides when things are sucking in your life you kind of lack motivation for such things as blogging.

With the excuses out of the way, I can tell you why I have decided to resuscitate this blog. It's not like things are super awesome now and I'm out of my funk but I know that writing is therapeutic for me. I have been told to start writing again in priesthood blessings but I haven't followed that counsel, so in attempts to be obedient and in hopes that I will feel better if I get my feelings out of me, I have decided to get this thing up and running again. The other thing is I need to document the happenings of my family for my posterity's sake and I was so much better about it when I was blogging...AND now that we live clear across the country from our friends and family it's the best way to keep everyone updated.

Now, where do I begin?? I have been wrestling with that question for a few weeks fact, I've been sitting here for almost 45 minutes trying to this is what I came up with, I found a picture that made me want to say something about it.

I took this picture last month, on a good day. I finished up at work, like I usually do, around 1pm and Aric called me and asked if I wanted to go to lunch, he had a light day and wanted to meet up. I was a little ahead of him so I drove around a nearby neighborhood and saw this tree. I had to stop. It was a beautiful day. I remember I was wearing a short sleeved shirt with my cardigan tied around my waist because I got hot during recess. The other teachers were complaining because they are sick of it being warm and wanted it to cool off. I just smiled and thought to myself..."Bite your tongues! This feels amazing!". Then when I saw this tree it just made me happy because it still looks like fall. The colors are changing, the leaves are falling but the sky is still blue and I get to still wear my short sleeved shirts.

Aric and I met at a little family run Mexican restaurant on the corner of Pelzer Highway and Three and Twenty Road...that really is the name of the road...not 320 or 3 and sits in the middle of nowhere. We ate there once before when we we got lost house hunting in June. It is at a funny intersection surrounded by woods, a gas station and a feed/tractor store but it has amazing fajitas for two. We sat across from each other in a tattered booth admiring the cheap Halloween decorations and enjoying the two kinds of for Aric, mild for me. The old school tables and chairs around us were filled with nurses in their scrubs on their lunch break, a couple of construction/road workers filthy from their hard work, a grey haired, slow moving couple and a couple of empty nesters who looked like they were treating their Clemson going kids to lunch.

It's amazing what memories a picture can spark. I remember feeling a little down earlier that day but as the hours went on I kept finding little things to be happy about...the leaves, the weather and then an unexpected lunch with Aric. We talked about the kids and how well they are adjusting despite all the changes. We talked about how great it was to be able to meet up for lunch after spending so much time apart the past couple of years. Those were topics I needed to discuss to help me get through the blues I had been feeling. Surrounded by random people and the smell of sizzling fajitas, in the middle of some South Carolina woods, I was able to shed some tears and get some much needed comfort...something I had been aching for.

Comfort zones are nice...they are more than nice...they are FANTASTIC! It's nice to step out of them from time to time knowing you can always go back to that familiar, cozy, happy place. It's like bungee are tethered to your safe and happy place. You jump off and it's scary but exhilarating and then it's over. Afterwards you go back to your happy, safe place and stay there until you feel like taking another jump. The problem I'm having is that I am no longer tethered to that comfort zone. I have to create a happy place within myself and teach my family how to do the same...which is super hard because I can't quite figure it out for myself yet. We have to become our own comfort family, no friends, no familiarity at all...except each other.

I hate getting lost all the time and not knowing how to get anywhere. We are all tired of being the new people. I finally feel like I know my way around the church building...only because we were assigned to clean it a couple of weeks ago. I have met so many people and they all remember my name because I am the new girl, but I can't keep everyone straight because I've met so many people all at once so I can't for the life of me remember who is who. I hate that no one really knows me. I hate having to tell my story over and over again. I find myself not wanting to go that deep because (A) I don't know these people and (B) I am just plain tired of telling my story. It's exhausting. Which means most of my relationships remain shallow and that sucks. It's lonely.

So that lunch with Aric felt good. That little booth in Los Compadres has now become part of my comfort zone. I know how to get there without getting lost. I know what to order on the menu that I will like and I have a great lunch date whenever his schedule allows it. It's not much but it's a start.


And that my friends, is how your breathe life back into your blog...the coma is officially over and it feels really, really good. I didn't get it until just now, but this blog is part of my comfort zone! It will be with me always, wherever I go. It connects me to people that are my comfort zone so I don't feel so lonely. Every word I type tethers me to a place that feels safe and happy. I now know why Heavenly Father counseled me to do it...He knows me so well. It's another example to me of how I need to trust Him more and be more obedient to even the random things He prompts me to do.

Until next time...because there will be a next time really soon :)


Nurse Graham said...

So happy to see you have resusitated the ol' blog. It's good to read your words! And man, the pictures in your side bar of your children? Holy cow they have grown! Miss you my friend, but so happy to keep up with you through your blog.

Lauren in GA said...

I love your words here, Jessica. You are a great example to me of striving to find happiness and being grateful for all life brings...even if it is difficult.

I am so sorry you have been feeling depressed. Hopefully you will get to stay in SC and will feel peaceful. You are an incredible lady. I truly mean that.