I am sitting here at my computer because I'm having a rather rough night and I wanted to write my dear blog friend Erin. You see Erin and I are both on this adoption path together. We were approved only days apart. We e-mail each other frequently to vent and cyber cry on each others shoulders. Tonight I wish she could have been here in person. It's been pretty tough. I only write this publicly in the hopes that someone "out there" will not feel alone as they experience some of the emotions I am feeling.
In my last post about Jessica's baby shower, I mentioned how I was put on this earth to throw parties. For the most part I am a happy person who likes to have fun and enjoy life. But there is still a part of me that isn't so upbeat, and finding a reason to celebrate is a good way for me to keep from getting down in the dumps.
The majority of my heart is full. I have so many blessings that are impossible to even count. But there is a part of my heart that is broken. It is heavy and hurting because...
I hate infertility and I want a baby
Adoption is harder than I thought it would be
Eden saw my sister, with my newborn nephew, come to our door and thought it was our birth-mom bringing us our baby
I cannot always communicate my very complex and intense feelings to my husband
My brothers have issues that cause them pain
My mother in law is battling cancer...again
I have friends who are dealing with major issues in their marriages
I have two cousins who are hurting because of GOOD choices they are making
Maya is struggling with math and even though I have taught countless other children I can't teach my own
A young women we know found herself pregnant and wanted to place the baby with LDSFS but the dad didn't want to so now she is raising her baby as a single mom
That is just my top 10...And if that wasn't enough, I have the same concerns as everyone else. When and/or will the economy ever get better? How long will my husbands job be safe? Does my husband wish I was medicated? Am I a good mom? Have I screwed up my kids because I yell at them almost everyday because after asking them like 2o times, NICELY, to pick up their stuff they don't do it!?
I plead with the Lord daily to give me the strength to carry the heaviness of my heart. I ask him to help me endure this trial. I ask him to guide my path and to give me patience. Tonight the tears just flowed as I realized that I may ask for these things, but do I really believe that He will help me. Do I really trust him?
I felt like Peter as he recognized the Savior walking on the water in the storm. He knew it was Christ and decided to walk out to him. As he started to walk he became afraid and began to sink. Jesus came immediately and saved him and asked him why he doubted. (Matthew 14:26-31)
There have been so many times in my life that I have seen the Lord's hand guiding my path and holding me up. And yet I still have moments that I doubt his reality. Tonight He reminded me once again that he is there. He hears my prayers. I felt His arms calm my shaking sobs and bring peace to that broken part of my heart.
This post is almost too personal to share and I can guarantee it will take me at least ten, okay 20 minutes to actually push the "publish" button. I just know that we have all felt like this. It's a side of us that we don't really share and reserve only for quiet "alone" moments. But I couldn't sleep until I shared what was inside of my heart. So instead of poor Erin getting an ear full, I share it with all of you.
I have a feeling tomorrow will be better.