Monday, October 27, 2008

Broken

I am sitting here at my computer because I'm having a rather rough night and I wanted to write my dear blog friend Erin. You see Erin and I are both on this adoption path together. We were approved only days apart. We e-mail each other frequently to vent and cyber cry on each others shoulders. Tonight I wish she could have been here in person. It's been pretty tough. I only write this publicly in the hopes that someone "out there" will not feel alone as they experience some of the emotions I am feeling.
In my last post about Jessica's baby shower, I mentioned how I was put on this earth to throw parties. For the most part I am a happy person who likes to have fun and enjoy life. But there is still a part of me that isn't so upbeat, and finding a reason to celebrate is a good way for me to keep from getting down in the dumps.
The majority of my heart is full. I have so many blessings that are impossible to even count. But there is a part of my heart that is broken. It is heavy and hurting because...
I hate infertility and I want a baby
Adoption is harder than I thought it would be
Eden saw my sister, with my newborn nephew, come to our door and thought it was our birth-mom bringing us our baby
I cannot always communicate my very complex and intense feelings to my husband
My brothers have issues that cause them pain
My mother in law is battling cancer...again
I have friends who are dealing with major issues in their marriages
I have two cousins who are hurting because of GOOD choices they are making
Maya is struggling with math and even though I have taught countless other children I can't teach my own
A young women we know found herself pregnant and wanted to place the baby with LDSFS but the dad didn't want to so now she is raising her baby as a single mom
That is just my top 10...And if that wasn't enough, I have the same concerns as everyone else. When and/or will the economy ever get better? How long will my husbands job be safe? Does my husband wish I was medicated? Am I a good mom? Have I screwed up my kids because I yell at them almost everyday because after asking them like 2o times, NICELY, to pick up their stuff they don't do it!?
I plead with the Lord daily to give me the strength to carry the heaviness of my heart. I ask him to help me endure this trial. I ask him to guide my path and to give me patience. Tonight the tears just flowed as I realized that I may ask for these things, but do I really believe that He will help me. Do I really trust him?
I felt like Peter as he recognized the Savior walking on the water in the storm. He knew it was Christ and decided to walk out to him. As he started to walk he became afraid and began to sink.  Jesus came immediately and saved him and asked him why he doubted. (Matthew 14:26-31)
There have been so many times in my life that I have seen the Lord's hand guiding my path and holding me up. And yet I still have moments that I doubt his reality. Tonight He reminded me once again that he is there. He hears my prayers. I felt His arms calm my shaking sobs and bring peace to that broken part of my heart.
This post is almost too personal to share and I can guarantee it will take me at least ten, okay 20 minutes to actually push the "publish" button. I just know that we have all felt like this. It's a side of us that we don't really share and reserve only for quiet "alone" moments. But I couldn't sleep until I shared what was inside of my heart. So instead of poor Erin getting an ear full, I share it with all of you.
I have a feeling tomorrow will be better.

15 comments:

Jessica said...

I'm sorry you had a bad night. I know you know about His purposes, and His healing, and His presence, but that doesn't stop us from feeling overwhelmed, and impatient, and unworthy. Sorry it's just extra hard sometimes.

(And I still think it's kind of crazy that you and Erin email each other...)

Shirley Baltich said...

Hello there! First time commenter, but have been following your blog. I used to live in Liberty Lake up until about 6 years ago. I know Jessica R, Kerry, and Cynthia (wonderful women...of course, you already know that...and I think we hopefully would have been friends if I had not moved away). I just wanted to say, thank you for sharing your thoughts and heartaches. You already know you are not alone. Hope you don't mine one more "follower" you don't even know. Sincerely, Shirley Baltich

♥Shally said...

Oh Jessica--

You are not alone! And in sharing your thoughts, you have opened your heart-- I hope you feel better just getting it all out...

Infertility is the hardest trial I ever battled, and I so wish I had a blog back then to share my feelings.

I hope you feel comforted today, consider yourself hugged:

((hugs))

Lindsey said...

Jessica, that was a tough one to write. I am on the verge of writing my own, because, since we have been here (in AZ) our whole lives have practically blown up in our faces. The "good" things that I have posted about have had to be drug up from the deepest abyss. I am sorry, and although my issues don't revolve around infertility, I assure you I have felt the exact same emotions in the last few months. Hopefully I will be able to purge about it soon. :) Much love to you. You are not alone. Kudos for rising above all of that muck and trying to see the light. (Ps- My sister adopted privately, it might be quicker than LDS services)

Erin said...

Hey you...the tears are flowing over here!! I reached that same point this week--and last week for that matter. I definitely do not know the "right answer" or have a quick remedy. All I know is that, sometimes when I'm having a hard time remembering all of the ways tha Heavenly Father watches out for us and all of the ways that He is the hand that is guiding our adoption journeys, I just try to remember to have faith that TODAY will be better and that TODAY I will feel His comfort and that TODAY I will pray to be more engaged with my children when they want to play with me...I think that sometimes we expect more of ourselves than even our Heavenly Father you know?

This is a much harder journey than we ever thought it would be too. But, I keep trying to remember all of the people that have told us how very worth it it is in the end and how amazing the experience will be when we reflect back on it.

AND, I totally think that being up on Parent Profiles will make a difference for you. More exposure equals more potential contacts and it feels good to just feel like you're getting yourselves out there even more you know?

You can give me an ear full anytime. :) But, I think you were right in sharing this too. We all need to know that we are not alone in our feelings and in our doubts. :)

Leelee said...

I love you Jess. Thank you for caring about me so much. You are the best cousin I could ever ask for and more. Well, I guess I consider you more like my older sister than my cousin, but whatever. I wish I could understand what you're going through, but know that I am praying for you and Aric, the girls, and your future child. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

calibosmom said...

I wish we lived closer-I would come over and we could watch a stupid chick flick and eat bad food and cry and then laugh til our sides hurt. Keep your chin up...you are an amazing person and I've never even met you. I feel like I've known you for years...I love blogging!

Melissa-Mc said...

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. Know that you are a great mom and person. You are human. You are doing the best you can. Be kind to yourself and let the Savior make up the rest.

One talk I love to read when I feel really discouraged during a difficulties is Lance B. Wickman's October 2002 conference talk.

I'll keep you in my prayers. You are going to make it through this tough time, and will have a stronger faith in the Lord because of it. He has graven you upon the palms of His hands.

AMY said...

It's hard to even know what to write... but I'm here for you AND you are surrounded by friends who are there for you every day.

The Hansen Clan said...

Wow... what a beautiful post Jess. I am crying to hard now though to write anything profound in response. I am just so glad we know what we know and that we have each other when that knowledge doesn't seem like enough to get through the heartache. I love you bunches and am grateful that you are willing to articulate so eloquently what is trapped inside of the rest of us.

Bridget said...

I am so, so sorry you are really struggling right now. That emotional pain can be so overwhelming at times. I think we all can relate, whatever our trial may be. I pray you can find peace and support and know that your cyber buddies are routing for you!

Lauren in GA said...

You are so sweet to share all of these personal things in hopes to help and bless someone else.

You are amazing. I echo your heartache in many of these things. You wrote about it so beautifully and openly.

Mother guilt consumes me, too. I yell so often it makes me so angry at myself. I ask nicely, repeatedly and then something snaps.

I can't seem to teach my own kids, either.

I hope you feel better today ☺

Ilene said...

I hear you.

the Aymster said...

Thanks for pushing the send button and sharing. You're awesome and don't forget it!!

Becky said...

Sorry for the late comment here, I went to comment and the computer crashed (3 days after the other one), so just got the computer back. I wanted to make sure to tell you I have days like those too...had one 2 days before you posted this. Everything seems overwhelming. Just know your loved by Heavenly Father and many others! And like a roomate would say, to keep perspective, "In the eternal scheme of things...". Love ya!