Thursday, May 21, 2009

Adoption Update

I have not posted much about our adoption progress because unfortunately their hasn't been much to report. We are still fighting with the agency. They are based out of Utah and they just hired an attorney here so hopefully we can get some closure soon. The battle is all about money, funny since the name of the agency is "all about love"...they are charging us outrageous fees for services they did not provide. Part of our humongous fee to the South Carolina attorney was for doing those services that the agency claims to have provided....anyway there is a lot more to it but it's boring and I don't think you'd want to hear about it.
In the meantime we are trying to terminate paternity rights so we can finalize the adoption...something the agency is supposed to have done but...nope.
It's impossible to explain how frustrating it is. We dealt with the pain and heartache of infertility for years before we decided to adopt. Once we knew adoption was our path we put our whole hearts into it. I knew with all my heart that I had a son and that he was coming to our family through someone else. Just coming to terms with that is a journey.
Once we were approved it was waiting on pins and needles. There were days when I was totally positive and felt so good about what we were doing. Other days I was curled up in fetal position pleading with the Lord to bring me peace and heal my aching heart. I never doubted our decision to adopt I just didn't know if I could emotionally handle all that it required.
I remember telling myself that "a year from now I will have my son." And I do...sort of. He is mine in my heart. But until all of the legal stuff is done the law looks at me as just his guardian. I am not his guardian.....I AM HIS MOTHER! I know his cry/squeal for when he is hungry. I know what position he likes to be in when he is overtired and needs to be rocked to sleep. I am the one who knows that he likes peas and hates sweet potatoes. My chin is the chin he chews on because his teeth are coming in. My voice is the voice he gets excited about. I'm the one who prays for him everyday and loses sleep about his future.
I am Camden's mom. And because I am Camden's mom I will continue to call, fax, email and pray until this is all resolved. I will cry at every baby blessing and dream of the day that we get to have him sealed to us forever.
I thought when we started this journey of adoption that when we got "the call" all the hard stuff would be over. I was not prepared for this post adoption drama. I have come to realize that this is part of our journey too and our faith and patience is still being tried. That is why it is called a "trial". It's not supposed to be easy. I am learning what it means to "endure it well". Some days are better than others and I know that someday it will all be over. I can't even imagine what that will feel like, to have the weight of all this really gone. Until then I will hold on to my sweet little guy and remember whose hand brought him to us and then remember that His hand is still holding on, I just can't let go.
Please pray for us.


Randi said...

Ah, Jess. I love you. You are frequently in our prayers.

Natalie said...

The hard stuff may rage on but He will continue to cradle you. You guys are amazing.

I can't pretend to have an inkling of what you are going through but i do know a mother's love and know that it will sustain you and ALL THREE of YOUR children!

Big hugs! (and tears, and prayers)

Bridget said...

I am so sorry to hear this has been such a nightmare. I can't imagine it. Camden is definitely YOUR little guy, like you said. I hope the paperwork supports that SOON!

Jean McKendrick said...

You're right, you ARE his mom. I am so sorry it has been such a traumatic journey for you. You are strong, just look what you proved to yourself through your race. Keep plugging along. I look forward to the day I get to see pictures of your sealing day (I envision all your family there).

♥Shally said...

I want to just SQUEEZE him!!

So sorry you are still dealing with all this crud. He is your son, no doubt about it. You are doing awesome, hopefully it will be over soon.

Ilene said...

I'm sorry Jessica. Definitely will have you in my prayers.

Oh, that little face is so kissable. I hope you nibble his little chin right back.

the wrath of khandrea said...

i can't even imagine.

i wonder if there is any such thing as blogging prayers?


i want this to be all right for you.

Melissa-Mc said...

Of course, you will continue to be in my prayers...prayers that soon all will be finalized so you can take your little guy and be sealed forever.

Lindsey said...

I cannot believe you are still dealing with all this DRAMA! Guess what? Me too. The guy we settled with just stopped making his payments. Yup. Great. Re-hire attorneys. . here we go again.

Leah said...

First...congrats on your run! I am very very impressed. Next race for you should be The Amazing Race!

I'm so sorry about the nightmare that is dragging out over months and months. I pray for you that some day this will all be a distant memory and you will be sealed soon.

just the five of us said...

Hey Jessica, I had a friend go through LDS Social Services, is that who you are dealing with? She said it was a NIGHTMARE. She ended up with twins (a nice blessing), but she told me she wouldn't recommend them.

Camden has a wonderful family, and I know things will work out for you. I'll keep you in my prayers. Janet

Becky said...

Sorry to hear this is dragging on. We continue to pray for all of you!

T said...

you put it VERY eloquently - you are not only his Mom, but you're an awesome Mom!!!! Way to go!

Elena said...

You will press, push, kick forward until it ends, that's the way we are. And we will do so united as we always do. You are not alone. Family, church family, all your friends we all love you and will pray hearty for you and your family. Hopefully soon!! Hang in there! : )xoxo

Randi said...

that made me cry. :)

Heidi said...

I think the best part about trials, and having to be patient through them is that we appreciate the outcome so much more because we had to suffer and sacrifice. I can only imagine the peace and overwhelming feelings you will have when you finally get to take him to the temple to be sealed to you. I hope it is sooner than later. Love ya and Hang in there.

cynthia said...

jessica, i knew you adopted because ilene told me but i feel badly that i have pretty much stopped reading everyone's blogs these days.

your little guy camden is so sweet. i had no idea you were going through the agency 'all about love' because i would have told you to RUN. they have a horrible reputation here in utah. i could go on, but i won't.

it will take time, but i'm sure things will all work out. god bless, cynthia

Lauren in GA said...

I will pray for you and your beautiful family, Jessica. I am so sorry about all of this. Totally heartbreaking.

You are right. You are his mother.