It's impossible to explain how frustrating it is. We dealt with the pain and heartache of infertility for years before we decided to adopt. Once we knew adoption was our path we put our whole hearts into it. I knew with all my heart that I had a son and that he was coming to our family through someone else. Just coming to terms with that is a journey.
Once we were approved it was waiting on pins and needles. There were days when I was totally positive and felt so good about what we were doing. Other days I was curled up in fetal position pleading with the Lord to bring me peace and heal my aching heart. I never doubted our decision to adopt I just didn't know if I could emotionally handle all that it required.
I remember telling myself that "a year from now I will have my son." And I do...sort of. He is mine in my heart. But until all of the legal stuff is done the law looks at me as just his guardian. I am not his guardian.....I AM HIS MOTHER! I know his cry/squeal for when he is hungry. I know what position he likes to be in when he is overtired and needs to be rocked to sleep. I am the one who knows that he likes peas and hates sweet potatoes. My chin is the chin he chews on because his teeth are coming in. My voice is the voice he gets excited about. I'm the one who prays for him everyday and loses sleep about his future.
I am Camden's mom. And because I am Camden's mom I will continue to call, fax, email and pray until this is all resolved. I will cry at every baby blessing and dream of the day that we get to have him sealed to us forever.
I thought when we started this journey of adoption that when we got "the call" all the hard stuff would be over. I was not prepared for this post adoption drama. I have come to realize that this is part of our journey too and our faith and patience is still being tried. That is why it is called a "trial". It's not supposed to be easy. I am learning what it means to "endure it well". Some days are better than others and I know that someday it will all be over. I can't even imagine what that will feel like, to have the weight of all this really gone. Until then I will hold on to my sweet little guy and remember whose hand brought him to us and then remember that His hand is still holding on, I just can't let go.
Please pray for us.